Date:6/19/2021-6/20/2021
Destination: Sandusky, Ohio
Goal: Cedar Point, Snake River Expedition
Distance: 163 Miles
Means of Travel: Driving
Potential Credits: 0
My favorite place in the world. Cedar Point. I had spent all offseason reminiscing all the fun memories I had here, itching to get one ride on Steel Vengeance, spend some time on the lake, show up at the park at the asscrack of dawn for early entry, everything that makes Cedar Point Cedar Point. So one day, I said fuck it and made reservations for the weekend of the 19th, and got a +1 on my reservation and a double hotel room in case someone ended up tagging along. That someone ended up being my friend Leilani, a relatively new face to my life that I knew of for a while but wasn't really familiar with until the Dollywood trip where everything happened. But we planned to do something this summer on that trip and we had been talking, so this ended up working out perfectly!
I hadn't been to Cedar Point since the summer of 2019, so needless to say, a bit was going to change, especially with a big anniversary and global pandemic in between visits. Hugo's Italian Kitchen was new on the front midway, Cedar Point Squishmallows lined the walls of the gift shops, beautiful navy and gold CP 150 decorations adorned the park, and biggest of all: a new ride. Snake River Expedition, built in the spirit of Cedar Point's once iconic Paddlewheel Excursions had opened this season to rave reviews, so I was excited to get on this Western-themed maritime adventure.
Day 1
I woke up around 6:30 am, a shock considering the night before consisted of a tornado warning, dinner with my parents at Longhorn Steakhouse as God decided he had enough with stupid people and destroyed the world with a second flood outside, and a new Pixar movie that fucking wrecked me emotionally as usual. But my brain went in gear for coasters, so coasters I did!
I drove out to snag Leilani in a long, boring drive full of idiot drivers. Not sure if people just forgot how to drive in the pandemic or if they just have a deathwish because they live in Ohio, but I had to have flipped off at least ten people by the time I rolled up in front of her house. But she got in my car, wasted no time getting the aux and cranking Party in the USA and other white girl music, and we were on the road to cut through Cleveland and make it to America's Roller Coast!
Drive to CP was pretty rainy, and we rolled up to a bunch of rain, but saw it would be leaving in a bit, so decided to go get lunch at the new place: Hugo's Italian Kitchen!
So this is pretty damn okay! It's a bit like a knockoff Fazoli's but it's very filling. My dining plan got me a stromboli and this cheese bread, and it was so filling I couldn't even finish it. Leilani also got a salad with her pizza but said it was way overloaded, and both of us found the Caesar dressing way too peppery. However, it doesn't need condiments, it's good as is! Not the best in the park, but a great place to go if you've got the munchies, and the flavor is still pretty damn good.
Alright, playtime's over, rain stopped so we made our way over to the new hotness for 2021, Snake River Expedition!
Snake River Expedition has a very well done queue, set in the old Dinosaurs Alive gift shop. Lots of animal skins and river equipment, CP outdid themselves with it.
Up at the end of the queue is the first of two preshows, this actress basically gave us the rundown that we were smuggling up this dangerous Snake River for Trapper Dan. She did a great job, nailed the accent and everything, it gave me Mass Effect: New Earth vibes sort of.
After that, you're ushered into a room where you'll be given two bags of gold to smuggle to the nearby town of Seville. They asked for volunteers, we both raised our hands but of course they picked the two kids celebrating a birthday. This is the one that really impressed us, this actor was very good as well and the room actually has a secret door hidden in the wall where it comes out. I say this about a lot of well-done Western theming anymore, but I feel there was clear Red Dead Redemption inspiration visible in this room, both from the ambient ominous Western music and map and everything.
Once you're through this room, you're loaded onto the boats. The park outdid themselves with these, they look great and they're nice and comfy, and even have a little wall around the perimeter to keep loose articles from getting kicked into the water. I felt very safe putting my camera bag on the floor.
So the trip around the lagoon starts, and honestly, while it lacks the isolated visuals Jungle Cruise had, you get a live actor as your skipper that I found way more animated than the old guy dryly rattling off puns we had in Orlando. This isn't just "come with us through the jungle past these latex animals and racist caricatures with some bad jokes," there's an actual story being told on this ride and this person is a living character in that story, complete with the accent and everything.
The actual sightseeing on the ride, however, is very Jungle Cruise. Lots of campy cartoony animatronics with not a lot of complexity to them, it's just fun to watch them go as you enjoy your leisurely journey around Adventure Island.
Once you get to Seville, however, things start to heat up. You get there, give the dockhand the secret password you got back in the preshow, and then these guys show up and steal the gold. Then as you motor away, a bunch of bandit animatronics pop up from behind the junk in this facade and shoot at you!
You continue around the river, past Rougarou and the old mine shaft. Your skipper pulls their gun and ends up getting the gold back by blowing up this outhouse filled with dynamite, and you continue around the river past more animatronics. At the end is this animatronic basilisk destroying another boat, and then you're good to get back on dry land.
Honestly? Cedar Point outdid themselves with it! I never would have expected something like this to go there five years ago, but here we are. Not something I would make a priority to do every visit, but still a cute ride worth checking out if the line is short, and much better than the ride that clearly inspired it in Orlando. This is Cedar Point, they have the coaster market pretty much nailed for now, but this is something that's going to attract a non-thrillseeking market that the park maybe didn't have much going for before. Like I'd take my parents on this any day and they'd have a hell of a time. If Cedar Point continues to add things like this and Forbidden Frontier, and keeps them up properly with actors and everything, they won't quite turn into the Dollywood of the north but they'll at least have a reputation other than "that island with the roller coasters."
Wanting the west to get a bit wilder next, we headed over to Leilani's favorite in the park: the untamed, unrelenting Maverick! In line for Maverick, we saw a bird that looked exactly like the bird from the "Becky Lemme Smash" video in line.
(Don't know what I'm talking about? You're welcome...LOL)
Well, Becky's cloaca wasn't the only thing getting wrecked Saturday night, Maverick went down! We waited around, saw it was clearly not just a control system hiccup and some obvious Intaminitis, and elected to head off into the sunset for my favorite, Steel Vengeance!
But first...booze! I'd never felt down on my life enough to drink PBR, but I guess I felt like even more of a universally hated cunt today so got some Pabst Blue Ribbon to drink in line, whereas Leilani opted for a frozen vodka lemonade. We chilled out of the sun for a bit before going over to my #3 for my first ride in two years on it, and Leilani's second of all time!
Well, continuing the trend of of Leilani breaking shit, this happened when I tried to lock my camera up! I went to get a locker attendant and they were on the way, but somehow Leilani slammed it at just the right spot and it closed. Told the greeters not to worry about it, and they laughed and said, "eh, happens all the time!"
Hello, old friend! I've missed you, and you've been dropped two spots since I last rode you! And with Railblazer knocking it off that spot as top dog, and Velocicoaster squeezing in the gap with them, it was only fair I wore gear for both coasters.
It was so nice to be able to take my point and shoot in line and get photos, knowing I could just lock it up in the phone lockers. Not quite the hair-splitting clarity you can get with my DSLR, but it's better than a phone camera!
And speaking of the lockers...
So the first thing that's been changed? Fast Lane and standby now merge at the point before you enter the support structure, and then you're ushered down to the end. I think this used to be the Fast Lane line, it matches up where the old merge used to be, but you make a left to come out here, lock your stuff up, and return to the line. To rent it, you go to the keypad, enter your birthdate, select a colored symbol to memorize, and open your locker. BE CAREFUL PUTTING YOUR STUFF IN!!! If you accidentally shut it you're basically screwed. It's a bit tedious, it took us a few tries, but we got it. For an easier time retrieving it, put your stuff on the far end, because that's where the return point enters the area.
Alright, guys! Time for some Steel Vengeance!
Leilani and I got the back and HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT!!! Long time no see, Steven, and a very welcome reunion it was! Steel Vengeance is every bit as incredible as I remembered it, not quite as incredible as Railblazer or Velocicoaster, but still every bit as it was in 2019. The airtime you get is crazy over every one of those hills, it doesn't miss a single moment of it, it's still hella smooth (though not as smooth as I remember it, there's texture to the ride now but not an outright rattle), and by the time you hit the brakes you're out of breath. Love me some Steel Vengeance! While it's not my #1 anymore, there's no denying it's the greatest coaster ever built. It's really the Coney Island Cyclone of the current era.
After you get off, you can retrieve your stuff from the backside of the lockers, accessed from the ride entrance. They're unlocked by simply entering your birthday and picking the symbol from earlier.
Ultimately, I love this system! It's basically a much more complex way to do a station bin, which I still think are the most reasonable solution in most cases, but if you're really trying to crank out capacity at a park like Cedar Point or Universal, I could see them posing an issue, and this is the best way to solve that issue. Loose article storage has been kind of the newest frontier in the industry as rides get more and more violent and parks try harder and harder to bust through those annoying wait times, and this is a great way to do that. Probably more reliable than Yukon Striker's rolling bins. I wonder if parks could successfully do this with large lockers, somewhat like what Lagoon does but on a larger scale and without the whole issue of running out of lockers. It would be nice to just bring my camera bag in line and lock it up in a normal GoPod, ride the ride, and get it after.
There's also a sale at the Steel Vengeance shop! I snagged two t-shirts with $40 of birthday money!
After that, we had a spot of BackBeatCue and took a spin on Trojan Magnum XXL-200. Leilani had not ridden in the vomit seat so I got her in row 3 and it was amazing as always! Love the amount of ejector you get over the hills here, this is the perfect example of an older coaster that's still really good. Magnum's easily Cedar Point's sleeper hit, it's easily the 4th or 5th best ride here and yet I've never seen it over an hour wait.
We had time for one more ride that night, so elected to get in Dragster's long queue since it's been forever since either of us had ridden it. I was taken aback! I remembered I loved this thing but I didn't remember liking it this much! Sunset rides on Dragster are something else, I love peaking, seeing the orange sunset on the lake, and then getting thrown from my seat as it spirals back down. This coaster had no chill today and was the perfect way to end day one here!
On the way out I noticed it was golden hour for this angle of Valravn and I couldn't resist!
Continuing the theme of being opportunistic with the photos, we hit a smidge of traffic in the causeway and Leilani was looking out the window, and I snatched my camera from the back and got this great shot!
With the lighting, I wanted to see if I could snag anything nice from Lyman Harbor nearby, but sadly, the sun set too fast and it looked like a blurry blip on the horizon shot by a potato. Boo hoo.
Leilani liked the view, though, and asked me to get a few of her, so at least having a foreground subject made a few of the others somewhat interesting.
After that, we went to our motel, checked in, and then in lieu of nearby food, went to Walmart to get something. A guy was going Karen on the cashier over who IDed who, I ended up with a frozen lasagna that I couldn't heat up because the hotel microwave didn't work, and Leilani got a chicken salad sandwich...which she gave me half of because I couldn't heat mine and she didn't even like it! At least I got some nice beer to drink from there, which was nice.
Day 2
My last time having Leilani as a roommate, there was so little sleep going on that I expected the same. There were four of us in the hotel room, two of them asleep, I'm awake at 4 am because I can't sleep, so I'm sharing memes on Facebook to pass the time...and then I'm getting notifications from her laugh reacting to them because apparently she can't sleep either. Not this time! Both of us passed the fuck out and didn't wake back up until it was time, I was actually impressed!
Being Pride, I went for more of a grays/blacks/purples color scheme for today. Subtle, but effective!
Leilani wanted to get to the park early so she could go on her morning walk on the beach, I told her about the Magnum trail so we elected to do that. It was so peaceful just strolling quietly up and down the trail in the early morning, I might do this in the future if I'm ever here and can't sleep or some shit.
This trash can on the beach is weirdly poetic. Almost makes you think about how if there is a creator or whatever, he created this beautiful island, someone else made it even better by building a big awesome amusement park, and just a few entitled enthusiasts are all it takes to ruin it sometimes.
Enough self-reflection, let's break out the big guns!
After a very brief running of the bulls, we hit Steel Vengeance...and it's delayed because yet again, Leilani broke it. I knew shit was fucked up when I heard the train engage the lift chain and then stop, but we stuck around for a bit, they cycled trains, and got her open!
We had a casualty in line, laying in the middle of this poof of feathers near the final bunny hill was a seagull carcass buzzing with flies, obviously one that had been hit by a train and killed. She told the merge greeter that there was a dead animal and we paid our respects to Sid the Seagull, Ohio's worst zoological tragedy since they shot my boy Harambe.
We got row two and HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT this thing is better in the front by far! Nice and smooth with a bit of texture retained, hella airtime everywhere it's possible, and taking what I picked up on off heartlining from Velocicoaster, raising my hands and making my CG as high as possible got me thrown pretty hard through some of those rolling elements. Fantastic coaster as always! Not quite my personal favorite, but the greatest machine ever built subjectively!
Wanting to redeem ourselves for yesterday, we went over to Maverick...AND THE CHICKEN RESTAURANT THAT HATES GAY PEOPLE HAS BEEN SHUT DOWN FOR PRIDE.
Okay, I have a whole new level of respect for Maverick now. This coaster is great, don't get me wrong, but I don't really "get" Maverick sometimes. Doing the same thing I did raising the CG with my arms as high as possible through the rolling elements got me some crazy air through the twisted horseshoe! Add in the sick drop in the back and crazy pacing after the launch, I still think I like Millennium and Steel Vengeance better but Maverick retains a spot as a very solid third favorite in the park!
Speaking of Millennium, that was our next stop. My OG Cedar Point Favorite was my first ever "official" number one when I became an enthusiast, and while it does get crapped on by enthusiasts anymore, and while many like Maverick and Steel Vengeance better, it's always held steady as my second favorite in the park. I love the view from the top, the airtime over those hills is great, pacing is on point, and generally a fun coaster all around. While this isn't the case anymore, given what was around when it opened, I could certainly see an argument that it was the best coaster in the world in 2000.
I love it! It started raining as we went up the lift hill and we got sun showered on, so taking rain droplets to the face at 90 mph was crazy and stung a little, but even in row six we got airtime over everything. I've heard that Millennium in the middle has a bit of a cult following, and I've seen that on a few occasions. You aren't beating the lakeside seat in the back, but if you can't get it, go to the middle! Plenty of good, sustained floatjector and speed through those overbanks.
After this we were both feeling hungry, so we hopped on over to Chickie and Pete's and ate at the bar. I got a Blue Streak (notice how blue that drink is, it's crazy, so bright blue!) and Leilani got a GateKeeper that totally should've been garnished with a little piece of broken chain. And crabfries, of course. Because why not?
After this we met up with a friend of Leilani's from school, and the three of us got in line for Raptor just in time for the sky to open and start pissing on us. Everything went down, so we went tat shopping. I was planning to get the Cedar Point 150 book, either a t-shirt or the CP 150 Parkscapes, and a keychain. Ultimately, both Leilani and her friend guilted me into getting everything, my friends are terrible influences.
Looking to get on one more ride before leaving, we hit Gemini on its birthday weekend...and Leilani's friend did NOT like the back! I love this coaster, it's nice and raucous with some good airtime moments and that lovely "don't give a fuck" energy. Plus my star sign is gemini, so that helps. But even crazier, I met my friend Ben here back in 2015 playing Money Train, and it was through him that I met Leilani, so this coaster indirectly introduced us. Crazy how life works! Ride was great as usual, it's one of those Arrows where you gotta know how to brace but I love it!
After this we headed out...but the insanity was far from over! I expected a peaceful drive, Leilani wanted to read my book so she did that while I quietly drove...and then the shit hit the fan. We had to stop for gas before getting on the road, and in a usual distracted fog I left my gas cap off my tank! And then, of course, the sky opens up again and pours to the point that we can't even see out the window. "This calls for beef jerky," Leilani announces as I try not to slide us on the road, and when I hear a sloshing sound I had to pull us over and get the gas tank closed up and call my dad to make sure my careless mistake couldn't get water in the tank and fuck up my car or something. And it didn't, so I headed out, dropped her off, and headed home...
...and then when I'm like 20 minutes away, Leilani calls me and tells me she accidentally grabbed my bag containing the Parkscapes, t-shirt, and keychain and offers to mail it back. So I finish the drive home, get here, crack open a beer and flip through my book.
And then a few days later, I get a package on my doorstep with this shit written on it and a used bus pass folded into the t-shirt.
Well that was fun! Glad to get back to my favorite place in the world after nearly two years away was nice, and it's changed for the better! The employees were all super friendly, Hugo's is great, the new locker system for Steel Vengeance should be the new industry standard, and Snake River Expedition is a great addition for a park like Cedar Point. Shoutout to Leilani for tagging along and acting as great company on the road! Done staying away, I'm ready to keep on coming back here!
(DISCLAIMER: Leilani is not a destructive person and despite being a riot to travel with, did not actually break anything. Cheap ass Chinese technology just sucks and we got the shit end of the stick on several occasions.)
