Benelux 2025 Region Trip://Leg 6.1~ Sin and Sanctuary in Amsterdam [18+]

                   Date:5/17/2025-5/28/2025

Destination: Netherlands, Belgium, Luxembourg

Goal: Coasters, Culture

Distance: 4079 Miles

Means of Travel: Flight

Potential Credits: 39

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A canal with a boat travels down between two rows of buildings, with bikes on the pathways lining the water.

On a cool, rainy morning, John and I dragged ourselves out of Hoeve van Nunspreet's cozy green walls and headed through a the drizzly greenery of the Dutch forest to our green car...okay there was a lot of green this morning. I took the wheel and drove us from the cozy forest right back where we started: into the watery, sinful, historic canal streets of Amsterdam!

Dag 9 / Jour 9

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A hotel called "De Hoeve van Nunspeet" is made of white and green timber with red tiled roof, nestled into a forest with three flags flying out front.

I made the roughly an hour drive from our Hoeve van Nunspeet to our Amsterdam accommodations, a little AirBNB hotel not too far from Zaanse Schans where our journey began. We were hoping to be able to drop our stuff in a luggage room before continuing on, so we wouldn't have to carry it all over Amsterdam. But to our surprise, our room was ready, and we were able to leave our stuff and check in...once I connected to wifi to get the check in directions of course. From there, it was an effortless glide back to Schiphol to switch our car for a train and get to exploring the Venice of the North! Not Stockholm, the other one.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Across water with a glass-domed tourist bot floating in it, one can see a series of narrow buildings and a church and turret.

"Bye, car," John sentimentally uttered as we walked away from the spot in which we'd left our hunter green Toyota Yaris that carted our asses from the swampy lowlands of Nederland to the medieval mountains of Luxembourg. It was honestly bittersweet getting rid of it, but that just meant we'd made it to our grand finale in Amsterdam as we had planned.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett wears a Japanese cherry blossom button-down and a French flag hat out front of a sign reading "Amsterdam Central."

From the rental car place, we headed across the street into Schiphol's lobby and headed down the escalator to the airport train station, catching a train directly to Central. We started off riding over Nederland's flat, grassy, wet plains, but eventually, masonry buildings started appearing on the edges of the canals. Before we knew it, the train parked itself under a large rounded awning and let us off. After all this time, we were in Amsterdam! 

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A glass of Heineken beer sits on a table overlooking a window to an Amsterdam canal street, with diners sitting in wicker chairs along the water.

We'd not eaten all day, and by now, it was eleven o'clock. We were starving! Making our way into the maze of cobblestone streets and canals that was Amsterdam, we made a beeline for a breakfast place only to see very little seating space and a wait spilling out into the alley. John held our place while I explored just around the block, to find this adorable little Dutch tavern. Heineken before noon? Not a problem! I'm not drunk, I'm American!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: On a table sits a glass of beer and two plates each holding large pancakes topped with shredded gouda.

We got the special Dutch pancake, which was loaded up with more good shit than a coffee shop. Spinach, tomato, onion, chicken, and gouda, the whole nine yards. And we comfortably people watched from the window, where people kept coming up to this selfie spot that was all fun and games until a trash can spilled into the canal.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Several narrow canal houses of brick and two painted black frame a waterway curving into the buildings.

Everyone was taking pictures here, be it coupley kissing photos or people dressed way too fancy to be on vacation, until the water was full of floating garbage. Fortunately it cleared before we were done eating and I was able to get the shot for myself.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A streetlamp along a canal has a sign reading "No smoking cannabis in public."

The signs they have to put up here are absolutely wild. Don't blaze up in public, don't piss in the canal, this city has an over tourism problem and they're fighting it by kicking out any and all derelict behavior. Googling things like "cheap hotel Amsterdam" brings up public service announcements showing people smoking pot and ending up in jail for what they did.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A glass shelving set holds a wide array of cannabis edibles, from brownies to lollipops and a green UFO ash tray off to the side.

Not too far up, we found a crappy little souvenir shop. Though the offerings at this one were...interesting. Most notably, weed and edibles just on shelves accessible to the public not behind any glass or anything.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A bridge over a canal has bikes propped against its railing, with a stepped gable roof and a domed spire in the background across the water.

Good morning, Amsterdam!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett flashes a peace sign in front of a blonde rubber sex doll in a glowing pink case.

Not long down the street, I saw a woman in lingerie close up the curtain in her door's window and knew exactly what was going on: this was sex work; no photos of this or it's a fine and they have signs at every door to remind you. But nearby, John and I found a naughty little shop that we checked out with all sorts of interesting gizmos and gadgets for adults. "Go get your photo taken with the sex doll," the cashier advised me.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A row of bikes against a railing, with a row of narrow houses behind it, and a tall church spire with colorful blue and red accents rises into the sky behind that.

The city is every bit as beautiful as you hear. And for its convoluted layout, they manage to really make it work. I don't remember once getting lost here, despite half the streets being cut in half by water.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A white sign attached to an iron canal railing reads "No public ["I <3 MY GESTOR" sticker]. It's illegal." with an image of a man peeing slashed out with a red line.

This sign sadly squandered my plan to piss in the canal.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett smiles and gives a thumbs up as a man dressed as a Grim Reaper smoking a marijuana joint with an "I heart AMSTERDAM" shirt holds a scythe to his throat.

Oh, and I was also approached by the Weed Reaper, who roams the streets of Amsterdam looking to reap the good shit off of tourists.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A tall building with white walls and vaulted ceilings hangs several ornate gold chandeliers, with a large silver pipe organ and a clock on the tall, narrow wall of the church.

Our first stop was the Westertoren church, which happens to be the largest Protestant church in the world. I'd seen this in a video on Christianity's different denominations and why their worship buildings look different, and it mentioned that Dutch Reformed Calvinists were very scholarly about their faith and their buildings looked more like universities as a result. And sure enough, this seemed like a good place for some enlightenment!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A wooden altar sits in the middle of a rectangular array of chairs on three sides.

Interesting thing I noticed was that the church was laid out hamburger style instead of hot dog style, with the congregation along one long wall facing another as opposed to the corridor-like layout of a Catholic cathedral. The alter is a the center of one of the long walls, and compared to the orientation of a French cathedral, this would be considered sideways. They also used chairs instead of pews, which I found interesting. Very academic.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett neutrally looks at the camera, under tall vaulted white ceilings and windows letting light into a tall white church, with gold chandeliers hanging from the tall ceilings.

I walked into a church and did not burst into flames. Who'd have guessed?

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Across a muddy canal, a tall church spire adorned with blue domes and red accents and an XXX coat of arms sits against a brick building with large windows.

Westertoren from outside, honestly aside from the spire it's pretty plain compared to a gothic cathedral.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A plate of fried balls of potatoes and meat, with a little cup of mustard.

With some more serious business to attend to, pertaining to my late father that has no place in the trip report, John and I headed to another little Pub. My father was always about little kind gestures, like picking up another party's tab and leaving generous tips, so John and I got some Heinekens and Biterballen on me. We had a bit of waiting to do.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Across a watery canal, a small church sits on the street between some houses, with boats and bikes about.

We had time to kill, so we strolled into a nice neighborhood for photos.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Across a canal, a panorama of the Westertoren and the Anne Frank house and museum.

We were waiting on our time to enter the Anne Frank attic. Any American schoolkid knows the story of this German teenager, whose family fled to the Netherlands and hid from the Nazis for years. Her personal diary is now considered one of the best primary sources of life under Nazi occupation in Nederland, and for those who visit Amsterdam, you can visit a museum all about Anne's life, climb up into the actual attic, and see the famous red and white checkered journal in which young Anne Frank wrote her story. And it's hard as hell to get into, and that makes me happy. There should be lines out the door to learn this story because everyone needs to know it; now more than ever.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A tall building with small window landings and black shutters with construction fencing in front of it. A white banner reads "anne frank huis" and Jarrett's hand holds an out-of-focus copy of Anne Frank's diary.

There was a minor mix-up with our times, but when we were supposed to go in, some jerk came back and said he'd send us with the next group with no explanation, pissing John off. Talking to another employee at the Anne Frank Huis museum, a much more delightful individual, he asked where we were from. "New Jersey and Ohio," I told him.

"Ah," he replied. "That's where they're eating the dogs." He cracked that joke here of all places, and never in my life had I felt more embarrassed and ashamed to be an American tourist.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: In a glass case, a red and white plaid notebook with a metal lock sits beside an acrylic cube holding a wax seal.

I accidentally bought us time in school, sort of. If you do the program, they'll take you to a classroom with a timeline on the wall that kind of refreshes your Holocaust history lessons from grade school. They had a few artifacts in the classroom, though, including this reproduction of her diary.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A glass case holds a blue travel document and an acrylic frame for a piece of yellow cloth reading "Jood" inside an inscribed six-pointed Star of David.

No photos in the museum, no talking, if you've been to the Holocaust Museum in DC you've seen the vibe I'm talking about. The whole exhibition is hauntingly silent as you climb steep inclines through artifacts, footage, and photos up to the faux bookcase door to the attic. And you're just up there, completely surrounded by others but alone with your thoughts, strolling around this creaky, empty attic in which multiple innocent families were cornered by pure evil. And at the end, a dark room holds a glass case with every notebook, scrap paper, and the real red and white checkered notebook containing Anne Frank's story.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A table setting has plates of rice and veggies; at the center is a small metal tray with two bowls of spiced meat perched atop it.

"Alright," John told me, beaming into his phone. "I found us a spot for dinner, and it's an Indonesian spot!" Youri had told us to look for signs reading "Chinese!" for Indonesian food, but what John had found was fancy af. We went to an Indonesian restaurant, where we were served by a gentleman in an Indonesian udeng head wrap. Our spicy Asian food was presented on a little folded metal box with tealight candles within, ensuring the plates stayed warm, and by thermodynamic law, the food.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Across rippling water, one can see a few businesses in narrow canal houses, one reads "THE DISTRICT."

My ace ass was excited to see the Red Light District. Not because I wanted to partake, but because I wanted to see this shit for myself. I knew my nasty coworkers would ask me about it, I'd heard so much about how legal sex work is in the Netherlands, I wanted to know how on god's green earth you get so allo that there is an entire business district dedicated to sex work.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Across a watery canal, several businesses have windows glowing with red lights at sunset, casting rippling scarlet reflections into the waterway.

Walking along the canal, in a neighborhood not architecturally different from the rest of Holland, you would see streets lined with large pane glass doors lined with red neon lighting, inside each one containing a scantily clad, conventionally attractive sex worker. One time, my eye contact with one of them led to this woman in a leather leotard popping out of her door and approaching me with "hey big guy!" Some of them were cute, I won't lie. Just out of curiosity, I did ask one cute woman in glasses how this works, explained the boundaries agreed upon by my partner and I, and she offers, "I can give you striptease." This moment right here was when I learned that you can get sticker shock from ninnies and turkums when I learned sex work in Amsterdam can run as much as 100 Euros for fifteen minutes.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett flashes a peace sign outside a door wrapped in neon rings and stars, the sign vaguely reading "SEX PALACE."

I found a peep show to do just to say I did something. So I swiped my card, got my 2 Euro coin, and was directed to a ring of little claustrophobic closet doors. And you lock yourself in this room, insert your coinage into a slot, and an opaque pane of glass in front of you becomes transparent for two minutes while a woman with her ninnies and turkums hanging out dances on a bed, sometimes making eye contact with you. She wasn't bad looking, but I couldn't help but wonder why someone goes out of their way to do something like this. 

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A late night photo of Amsterdam Central Station, with beautiful archways and a glowing white clock.

It was late, so we headed back to the hotel for the night. We spent the evening on a wild goose chase for a bathroom at the train station, only to discover our rail car had a free one.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A restoration room at an art museum reads "REMBRANDT: in gold letters over a painting covered by black scaffolding equipment.

UP NEXT: The exciting conclusion to Benelux 2025! A rainy Day 2 of Amsterdam is spent cozy indoors at the massive Rijksmuseum surrounded by the works of Rembrandt and Van Gough, our canal tour gets a bit more watery than we bargained for, a nice Dutch restaurant has good stamppot and an even better way to break your neck, and both of our flights take the Amsterdam home with us! Stick around, it was quite the end to quite the adventure.