Iron Curtain 2026 Region Trip://Leg 6~Wined and Rhined in Bacharach

                         Date:4/25/2026-5/6/2026

Destination: Poland, Germany

Goal: Energylandia, Phantasialand, Europa Park, Poland Culture, Germany Culture

Distance: 4700 Miles

Means of Travel: Flying, Train, Tour Bus

Potential Credits: 40

Day 6

"I hate to do this to you," I grumbled at Drew at 7 in the morning, "but we're gonna have to get up now. The 9 o'clock train is canceled."

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A view from a German winery past vines and umbrellas, looking past timber-framed gables and a tower to a hillside winery planted with grapes.

Today was slated to be our second culture day in Germany, this time focusing on more traditional life verses the grand utilitarianism of the city. I mean, who doesn't want to polka out with a stein in a traditional Biergarten surrounded by flowers and pretty timber-framed buildings? Problem is: this stereotype didn't really seem to exist in the city. So while watching Rhine travel content, they popped into this pretty town called Bacharach that looked like a stereotypical German village and it was settled. "Let's go there!" I pointed to the TV.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: An out of focus hand flashes a peace sign out the window of a departing train.

Deuces, most disgusting street in Europe! Hanging onto our possessions for dear life in the ominous Frankfurt morning, I dragged a cranky Drew, playing the role of Satan himself, to the train station, moving as quickly and kindly as he could considering he does not do mornings. But we made it and got on the train with time to spare.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Out a train window, vineyards rise into the hills surrounding the Rhine, with a boat moored on its banks.

Eventually, we got going where we needed. One connection led to another, both were pretty easy, and before we knew it, we were on a busy little commuter train along the Rhine. Rudesheim, Bingen, the random towns that led to Bacharach were ones I'd remembered hearing about when I planned this leg.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett smiles on a railroad track overpass, looking in front of a little German town in the hills.

The early morning put us in Bacharach before 10, which gave us more time in the beautiful German town, but one issue: our hotel didn't check in until later. Fortunately, Hotel Zur Post was run by this really chill Hungarian woman who, through use of Google Translate, communicated to us that she'd have our room ready in twenty minutes. So we dropped our bags, went out, and explored a little.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A row of German buildings, two of which have timber frame architecture, lead up to a dark tower.

Good morning, Bacharach!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Two German-styled timber framed hotels with dormers, gables, and turrets at the base of a green hill.

Does it look stereotypically German? Absolutely. But most of those German stereotypes originate in Bavaria, and it's not all 100% like you see at your town's Oktoberfest. There are different ways "German-ness" can look, and it's going to look a little different here on the Rhine than it will in Bavaria.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A cobblestoned German courtyard at the base of a wooded hill with Gothic chapel ruins at their tops.

Most notably, while German is stereotypically beer country and their beer has been amazing, this is Germany's wine country. It shares many similarities with the Alsace region of France, we even snagged a bottle of Riesling at a market that was made right here in Bacharach. Plan was to eat at this Biergarten tonight and get some good wine and German food.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A pink hotel with window boxes says "Gästehaus Rheinromantik" on its sign, in the foreground of a white church framed with red brick.

This was refreshing, not gonna lie. When we did France in 2022, we spent much of our time in little Normand villages like St. Vaast La Hogue and Barfleur, and I'd not really done the "small romantic European village" since. While culturally different, Bacharach has the same feel, even in ways I'd completely forgotten about. Every business in town being a mom and pop, the smell of amazing food in the street around meals, and just chill pacing life has in these places was so refreshing.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A German dining room with white walls painted with pretty frescoes of cows and an island in the Rhine.

We had reservations for a little river cruise, so we snagged lunch early at this winery. It's beautiful inside, but we had a nice patio and we were gonna use it!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A bottle of wine with a B insignia says "BACHARACHER RIESLING" on a table next to a pergola covered in vines.

Bacharacher Riesling comes from, well, Bacharach! I know most Americans think Riesling and think sweet, sugary wine that says Sutter Home on the bottle and costs $8, this is not real Riesling. This was a fair bit drier, but in a more acidic way than the bitterness that comes from a pinot grigio or chardonnay.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A wooden pizza paddle holds an oval-shaped pie topped with cream, onions, bacon and ham.

On the plate today was flamekuchen, a dish I've known as flemmekeuche, also called tarte flambee if you're in Alsace. The version my French grandmother makes eats like a medium to thin crust pizza, but here, it was more like a thin tortilla-like flatbread. I had the traditional toppings of onions, cream, ham and bacon, but Drew went a little crazy and got salmon and green onions. We swapped a slice and both were great!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: An ornate stone and shingle tower with a red timber framed box window over a stone arch.

As if our luck with transportation couldn't get any worse, we had a boat cruise that I had booked us through Booking advertising it as something to do in Bacharach. Well I pull it up...and it actually departs from Rudesheim? And there's no reliable way to reach it by car or bus unless you plan hours in advance. We took the L after trying to get an uber or cab to no avail...but then found that a similar cruise departs from Bacharach as a ferry!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A city park with benches and trees before a small European town at the foot of a hill growing grapes.

We headed to the riverbank, which is a cute little public park with a boat dock.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett stands on the banks of a river looking across the water, with a black and red buff on his head.

The Rhine River! 

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Drew stands on one foot atop a log on a riverbank, raising one foot in a crane stance.

Damn, these Karate Kid remakes just get worse and worse.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A paddleboat called the Goethe makes its way down the Rhine, waving red and white flags.

Here was our boat! It was an old school paddle wheeler, which I'd ridden before in Marietta as a child, but that was a sternwheeler. This was a sidewheeler, which featured two enclosed paddles on the sides.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A hillside overlooking the water has a castle on terraces, with campers parked at the base by the river.

I saw a graphic on Facebook saying that an advantage to living in Cologne is "Rhine Castle Weekends," and it took coming here to understand that. Cologne isn't much of a normal destination for normal people, it's very German in an industrious sense, and the people there are there to live and work as that entails. But hop on a train and you can be in not only Bacharach, but one of innumerable towns like it. Imagine being able to just pop your camper up at the base of a castle!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A church with a black steeple and two clocks in the corner stands before a small castle on a wooded hill.

So you chill on this boat as it takes you up and down the Rhine, and there are little recordings that tell you about each town and castle you pass.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett smiles into the camera, wearing a red and black headband and standing on a boat with green winery hills on the riverbanks.

Drew and I both brought Survivor buffs, his yellow one was the merge from the ongoing Survivor 50, my red and black one was from the medieval-themed Survivor 44 and featured a castle-themed logo and dragons. Fitting to wear here!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A small castle sits on a hillside at the edges of some cliffs.

Apparently this castle belonged to a robber baron, so that's cool.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A hand holds a green small wine bottle with a magenta label reading "LANIUS-KNAB 550 Oberwesel."

Bacharach wakes up around 10-11, and from the moment the town wakes up, there's wine flowing. There was wine at the winery, yes, but you wait on the boat and there's wine for sale. And on the boat? You can purchase wine if you didn't have enough while waiting on said boat. And at Rudesheim, you can get it out of the coolers at a souvenir shop. I'm convinced the water in the Rhine River even tastes of Riesling!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: An outdoor cafe and Romanesque Gothic church with an ornate spire featuring two segmented domes up to a cross of gold.

We arrived at the banks of Rudesheim, with maybe forty minutes to turn around and come back. Drew went to a souvenir store, and when I got out with another wine (don't judge), he was talking to some high school kids on a field trip who were acting like they'd never seen an American before.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A church sanctuary with a rounded white wall with tall, thin, slot-like stained glass windows of colorful fragments pouring light over a Jesus statue.

With our stop being so short, we popped into the cathedral in Rudesheim. Not quite Kolner Dom or St. Mary's, but it was beautiful, and had some clear Romanesque influence. I also burned myself lighting a candle, so there's that.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A small riverside town, with classical European architecture and modern buildings combined.

Taking the boat back, we passed Bingen, home of famous nun Hildegard of Bingen.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A black and white photo of a small tower with ramparts and a flag on the banks of a river.

The "smallest castle on the Rhine," we were told of this building.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A bunch of vacationers on a boat on the river under hills.

A white millennial couple on honeymoon with their crypto friends, a neurotic elderly woman, and a dysfunctional family take the boat to the White Lotus Resort, built in an old winery on the Rhine. However, upon arrival, they learn people have recently died in suspicious circumstances. Find out what happened over the last week on this season of The White Lotus!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A small white river cruise boat travels along the water downhill from a castle up on a rocky hillside.

I knew we'd found somewhere special when I saw one of Viking's legendary river cruises taking passengers up the Rhine.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A hilltop castle overlooks a river, in which a cargo barge carries a German flag and cars down the Rhine.

Old Germany and new Germany captured in one photo. This legendary river was a catalyst for so much political and economic activity, no wonder it's an icon with rich history.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A quaint German village nestled along a hilly forested riverbank from above.

"Let's head up the hill and check out the ruins," I suggested as one more activity before dinner. The path up here is a bit hidden, but the views of Bacharach and the Rhine are killer!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Sunlight glows through a reddish-pink brick structure of polygonal towers with ornate pointed Gothic window frames amd gargoyles.

The two buildings uphill from Bacharach that kind of "guard" the city are a castle at the very summit that operates as a hostel (glad they didn't have vacancies when we were there, I saw how high we'd have to lug our luggage!) and this ruins of the medieval Gothic Werner Chapel.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A medieval gothic chapel tower of reddish brick stands amid foliage against hills and a river.

According to the placard nearby, this took about 150 years to construct from the 13th to 15th centuries, and was destroyed in the 17th. It also noted the romanticism movement having high regard for these ruins. In high school, we visited the Dayton Art Institute with arts program Muse Machine for a tour regarding romanticism, and the piece to stick out most to me was William Louis Sonntag's "A Dream of Italy," which featured beautiful overgrown ruins overlooking a dramatic Tuscan landscape. When I read this, I could see exactly why this movement would be all over Werner Chapel.

Drew just said it looked like Elden Ring.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett smiles at the base of a medieval Gothic ruin.

While up here, I ran into a really cool German family on vacation, and talked to the parents briefly. I mentioned I was American, they responded by pointing at my shirt and saying, "we can tell, you love New York." After explaining that I'd never actually visited New York City, and that the shirt was a shoutout to my partner who lives Upstate, they introduced me to their son. This young man had been taking English in school and it was so cool being able to just say simple things like "hi, my name is Jarrett, I am from Ohio," and ask this kid basic questions. He was a bit shy, but I think he was proud of himself for being able to actually use his English in the wild. It's a thrill getting to the country and dropping a "hello," "please," "thank you," maybe you're a hotshot and can order a meal, and having them actually respond in a way you expect and can understand is really cool. So that was a fun memory for a whole family and I felt good having been a part of their vacation, because I know firsthand how cool that is.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A wine store with paintings on the wall sells wine bottles out of wooden crates lined with straw.

Dinner was at that biergarten-like place I found earlier, and while beer was very much a fixture here, this place was all about the wine. Think a biergarten with the drink menu of a winery.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett smiles in a German-styled courtyard drinking a glass of Riesling, with chapel ruins atop a hill.

I drank way too much wine today, but can ya blame me? Look where we are, everything here is delicious!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: On a table sits a piece of fried pork patty smothered in creamy mushroom gravy with fries, next to a glass of wine. The table is in a courtyard surrounded by a timber framed building and overlooked by overgrown Gothic ruins.

We'd smelled probably the best sauerkraut I'd ever smelled in the streets earlier, but couldn't find it on the menu of either place we picked. Oh well, I like schnitzel! This German dish, consisting of a pan fried veal or pork tenderloin that's been pounded paper thin and topped with gravy, is a favorite of mine from the culture at home.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A sunset hotel lobby with stained glass horse and carriage and German postal horn in the wavy glass, with steins, cups, and pamphlets on the windowsill. 

We went back to the zimmer after this to watch the latest Survivor that I was behind on. Plan was to crack open another bottle of Bacharacher Riesling (oops) and watch on my laptop, but German Paramount+ wasn't having it. Fortunatley, I got my phone to work, but Drew and I had to huddle around my little 2-inch iPhone screen to watch.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A cobblestone city street lined with timbe-framed German buildings under a tall hill with a streetlamp.

I've found destinations through some pretty odd ways. Murder-obsessed girlfriend, French class, watching South Park make fun of Denmark, the Sid Meier's Civilization franchise even made me aware of cool places like Cahokia Mounds or Skansen Outdoor Museum. But this might be the first instance of me doing things the conservative way and just throwing on travel porn and saying "let's go here, that's pretty!" And while we may have drank just as much on the New Year's Eve when we found this place as we did when we were actually there, it's a time I'll never forget. It's beautiful, it's quaint, life is comfortably paced here, and the food will knock your socks off. And at an easy train ride from Frankfurt, this is why you come here. Not for the industrial iron sprawl that has defined modern Germany, but for a past they have chosen to preserve out of plain sight.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A messy twist of steel black and leather-colored coaster track with a dive out of an inversion into launch stators, a short gunmetal-colored train says "VOLTRON" on the grill in gold letters.

UP NEXT: Our Germany adventure hits its final leg before returning home, and as this may be my last time in Europe for a hot minute, what a better way to say "see ya later" to this incredible mix of nations than all at once? After all this, we've earned our place in the Adventurer's Club of Europe! Europa Park holds swashbuckling Dutch privateers, Parisian nights, meals overlooking misty fjords, and everything else I've come to love from my adventures here. Join us for one of the best parks in the world, and see what Voltron shakes up!

Iron Curtain 2026 Region Trip://Leg 5~Let's F.L.Y. like dad!

                        Date:4/25/2026-5/6/2026

Destination: Poland, Germany

Goal: Energylandia, Phantasialand, Europa Park, Poland Culture, Germany Culture

Distance: 4700 Miles

Means of Travel: Flying, Train, Tour Bus

Potential Credits: 40

Day 5

She was mean.

I still have no idea what the fuck our bartender gave us to shoot last night, but I felt it. And to make matters worse, I wasn't clear-headed enough to fill my crappy Dollar Tree water bottle (a globetrotter's best friend!) before hitting the sack, and Keely's ibuprofen allergy means I've gotten out of the habit of traveling with it. She's also sober, maybe she's onto something!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A brick and iron steampunk-themed building reads "AIRRAIL COMPANY TOR 2" on a large green girder, with red inverted coaster track curving in the foreground.

Today, we woke up with the intent of heading to a small park with six credits. But not just any small park with six credits, this was the legendary Phantasialand! Known around the world for the park's compact layout, beautiful themed areas, and thrill rides masterfully worked into said areas, this small park has international recognition as a top amusement industry destination that jockeys in the conversation for best park in Europe. 

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett, Drew, and Youri smile for the camera in an area themed as a steampunk city, with red coaster track weaving behind us.

And today, we had company! Remember Youri? The Dutch enthusiast who ran into John and I at Plopsaland and again at Walibi Belgium, who went on to show us about Walibi Holland? And possibly the only thoosie to run into me twice at two different parks and live to tell about it? He made the lengthy trip from Nederland up to Deutschland, providing us both with a German-speaker who knew the park, and transportation/luggage storage for the day.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A rough stonework building has a curving Viking rune on the chimney themed as a dragon.

So after Youri snagged us outside the hotel in Cologne, he informed us it may be busy as it’s Labour Day in Germany. I thought every day was Labour Day for the highly industrious nation, but it’s ironically the one day of the year they aren’t busting their hintern. And this meant even more crowds to slam the compact park, so Youri showed us a shortcut through the back entrance. 

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A wooden Viking winch and crane mechanism dangles ropes over stored vegetables and a barrel.

Passing through that lowkey corner, we made a right into Klugheim where I saw firsthand what Phantasialand is all about. This place is incredible! Like, I know it’s shaped like a boring rectangle, but make no mistake: this area feels exactly like a natural fjord and everything you see is full of organic shapes and sightlines. This has the energy of a rough, unforgiving landscape that’s been roughly tamed.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A coaster train themed as faux Viking woodcarving careens through an overbank, through a formation of gray basalt columns resembling the jaws of a dragon with teeth.

Taron was slated to be our first coaster of the day, with a winding queue that snakes up, around, and through the coaster in the most absurd RCT fashion. "Never take Keely here," Drew told me upon seeing how many stairs this park had. Youri told us we had about forty minutes left…and then the cattlepen is closed! “Schnellen, schnellen, schnellen!” The ride op screamed at me as I scrambled to break down my DSLR and stow it.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A coaster train with horns on the front hops over a hill and dives behind some basalt column formations.

“New #1!” Drew exclaimed from behind, wagging his finger #1 in the air next to Youri. And while I didn’t put it nearly that high, Drew’s take was very valid. This thing really scoots! The tight layout and close proximity to the theming really adds to the sense of speed on this coaster. While I do think it suffers from some minor I305 syndrome, in that it’s pacing alternates between amazing, snappy maneuvers and slow turns, the greater variety of what the layout offers and theming makes me like it much more than the Virginia giga coaster.Amazing pops of airtime, a great snappy layout, and it’s wound so tightly you have no idea what’s actually going on.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A coaster train flies over a hill, with a twisted mess of track tangled into basalt columns in the background.

Rather than single, standout elements, the ride is more about feeling a certain way as a whole, and I would learn that’s kind of how things are done here at Phantasialand.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A log flume set in a Mexican canyon flies over a hill and splashes into the blue water amid the red rocks. A black coaster rises through an African mud temple in the background.

“We should do Chiapas next as it will get a line,” Youri led us over to Mexico past a Taron line spilling out of Klugheim. “What’s Chiapas again?” Drew asked. “Log flume,” Youri replied. “Why would we mess with a log flume?” He asked.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A pool of water in red rocks has a wooden mining dredge splashing into it from a channel.

“Because it’s supposed to be a really good one,” I informed him. “Like, one of the best rides here.” While they drop is 53 degrees on paper, staring it down it looks like a vertical cliff face. From what I’ve been told, saying Chiapas is just a log flume was like saying Steel Vengeance was just a roller coaster.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett smiles in front of the Chiapas canyon, surrounded by colorful Mexican architecture and a flower box.

Maybe I’m not a log flume guy so I don’t “get” this ride, but I did “get” soaked by multiple splashes of freezing water. What the hell is this thing and why is it the second coming of Christ to some??? The turntables and switch track and backwards are cool, but honest take: the storytelling is dumb and the ride is, as Drew brought up, mostly just another log flume. Going in, I was loving the Indiana Jones vibe, and I liked the concept of mining dredges on a log flume with that theme, and I was getting excited for some cool trap animatronic to send us down that imposing drop…why oh why are they having a rave in the temple??? I mean, don’t get me wrong, the music is a banger, but this just felt plain stupid! The drop, at least, was very good and scared me solidly, but it’s just one drop. And considering I was expecting a more scenic ride with one spritzy drop, and storytelling and I come off confused and dripping in cold water, yeah it let me down.

“They likely had the splash turned up as it’s going to get very hot today,” Youri told me. The high was 75 degrees.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Mortared into a masonry Spanish-styled masonry staircase, amid colorful Mexican tiles, is a white tile with blue border and yellow starfish. It bears a logo of a blue seahorse curling its tail around a yellow starfish, and reads below: "el milagro; ISLA MUJERES-MEXICO."

I about shat bricks seeing this all the way in Germany! El Milagro, Spanish for "The Miracle," is a real resort villa in Isla Mujeres, and my family stayed there in 2013! This isn’t some fiberglass Disney World nonsense, we’re talking real Mexican tile work if this made it in the mix. Probably shipped a whole bunch of random assorted tiles over from Mexico and this by some miracle made it in!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A series of colorful Mexican paper flags fly under a green coaster with railroad-themed track.

From there we took a toilet break, where I learned of Phantasialand’s disgusting smoking policy. Oh wait, what policy? You can just smoke anywhere you want on the midway and it’s gross.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A rusty locomotive-themed coaster train climbs out of a helix of green railroad-themed track, over an array of colorful Mexican flags, with an African mud mosque in the background.

While I pondered using the dryer, Colorado Adventure had a slow 40 minute wait, so that’s what we did. These Vekoma mine trains haven’t really done it for me, but I’ve only ridden the Big Thunder model with varying amounts of theming. But this thing secretly kicks ass! This is not a family coaster! The whip it has through the layout, tightly wound helices strategically packed into the Phantasialand cluster, and that insane drop through the tunnel (which, by the way, is a narrow envelope-hugging tube), make this the new best mine train in my book!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A footpath supported by a wooden truss and bearing heavy fencing on either side threads the loop of a black roller coaster.

Heading into Deep In Africa, Youri told us that Black Mamba has "that thing you'd make on Rollercoaster Tycoon where the looping goes around a footpath."

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A hand holds a cardboard tray of a red stew garnished with flatbread, lime, and cilantro, with an African-themed midway in the background.

Next on the agenda was food, where we got this really good peanut chicken stew. It was nice, flavorful, a little spicy, and had a nice hint of citrusy lime.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A rocky gorge has a crude wooden sign reading "STOP! THERE'S NO WAY FORWARD HERE!" With balls bearing narrow standing perches hanging from ropes over a thin but rushing waterway.

They had this really cool adventure trail that ran close to Black Mamba. "Get your camera out, you get really close to Black Mamba," Youri advised me. Next thing I know, I've got $400 worth of equipment hanging around my neck as I hang on for dear life to a ball on a string swinging over rushing water! Yeah, amazing attraction, don't bring anything you need to hold onto.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: An African-themed coaster train navigates a loop over a wooden bridge through the eye of the loop.

Black Mamba was next, so I took the time in the queue to juice my phone up on the ol' portable charger and took photos. After boarding in the ride's really cool station, we got on no problem, and it's great! Reminds me a lot of Monster, which is another favorite invert of mine, and while I think this layout suffers from being a tad more limited, it's still great. I know this is a tiny coaster that doesn't go fast on paper, but they did such a good job at working it in and making every moment feel dynamic by interacting heavily with its surroundings.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A square with Germanic architecture surrounds a chairswing, packed full of people.

Next in the rotation was Berlin, where normal people enter Phantasialand. Drew about shit bricks when Youri got into his bag and produced three beers from a lunchbox, a huge no-no in America's theme parks.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Two Germanic-styled buildings, made of cement and stonework and decorated with glass, curved dormers, and a dome, surround a landscaped water feature.

We were told that this square, which looks not far different from a standard main street entrance to a theme park, was supposed to be Germanic architecture. And it made sense, as many of the features I saw here resembled things I'd seen in other cities that speak Germanic languages like Copenhagen, Stockholm, Amsterdam and Cologne. Keely wants to go to Berlin in the future, this made me excited to.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A wall painting of a woman holding toothpaste has a hole drilled in the plywood of the woman's mouth, secreting a white-yellow substance from her lips.

We braved Phantasialand's funhouse next, which was honestly just hilarious. Not much different from the one at Toverland that John and I famously took on last spring, but the hotel theme was cute. Someone please caption this photo.

Alright, the reason we came here in the first place was just through this nook! My degree is in MET, I love all things mechanical, and steampunk might be my favorite theme commonly seen at amusement parks. Needless to say, I was pretty damn excited for F.L.Y. and Rookburgh.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A building reading "TOR 2" on its brick and iron sides, complete with ornate Victorian glasswork, rises behind a red inverted roller coaster with black and silver trains carrying riders face-down on their undersides.

The whole day, I had felt like a kid at Disney for the first time again just being here. Riding the Mexico boat ride, my last ever coaster ride with my dad on Cheetah Hunt, wandering around an immersive African bazaar, I was seeing parallels to past wonders. But this? It was a whole new wonder, like I was that curious child again, experiencing this all for the very first time.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Through a porthole, one can see a small vintage office with a model of a Victorian building on a back shelf, the space is littered with papers.

Oops I took too many photos. My phone was running out of storage, so as the queue did the Phantasialand thing and snaked every which way, I deleted GoPro footage I didn't need anymore. Cool queue, though! Some of it's just hot steel corridors with portholes out to Rookburgh, but they have this cool little inventor's nook with the concept model of the area on display.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: From under a tower reading "PIER 5" on an ornate rusty plate supported by metal girders and a brick building, red coaster track curves away, with a black train carrying riders on their stomachs in prone-position under it.

The flying coaster is kind of a niche ride concept that's been done a few times, and each rendition posed the same question: How do you load riders into a seated position, and move them into a prone position? And how do you get them out of said prone position in a pinch? B&M, Zamperla, and Vekoma the first time, all had some sort of vertical pivot-based system. But Vekoma's second go around with the flying coaster, they looked at the problem from a different angle, and pivoted the car horizontally relative to the track. 

How does this solution make sense? Simply turn the track on its side. Such a brilliant, simple solution.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A washed out photo of coaster track weaving around a steampunk city, with fog obscuring the view.

Down below Rookburgh near F.L.Y.'s loading platform, you have to take off your belt like you're visiting Drunk Uncle Tyler in jail again. Nothing can go with you on this coaster. Not your bandana, not a watch, and most definitely not your phone. I wear a blue rubber wristband that says "WWJD; What Would Joe Do?" for my late father when I travel. He was a pilot, it even has a cute little airplane on it. That went in too.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A flying coaster car banks along a red piece of inverted coaster track, with a steampunk cityscape and hot air balloon in the background.

No photos in F.L.Y.'s station, as you can't take what you need to take them here. I  noticed some of the theming here had a Mercedes-Benz logo on it, Youri informed me it was a real automotive engine that came from a truck. Think a queue line with rows that load you into what resembles a row of stadium seats with restraints mounted to a piece of horizontal track on the wall. You climb in, pull down the restraint, and sit with your back to the wall. From there, the seat moves sideways, past theming to the side of the track, that is now in front of you. Climbing up that incline, seeing the hangar open to that big beautiful airship while F.L.Y.'s beautiful soundtrack creschendoed gave me chills.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A dark photo of a twisty maroon roller coaster, with its flying trains navigating a roll over some Victorian buildings behind two steel walkways.

The car behind me rotated ninety degrees, as the track turned and banked upside-down, now holding us in the prone position under the track head-first. "Let's F.L.Y. like dad!" I cheered as we moved onto the launch stators. I knew there was no other ride on this waiting for us, nothing else like it in the world, nor would there ever be, this was a time to let loose, take it in, and live in the moment like never before.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: F.L.Y.'s inverted flying trains weave along one of two lengths of red track, under a steel gantry and between a Victorian mural and iron lamp.

As with Phantasialand's other coasters, Taron in particular, F.L.Y. isn't so much about a sequence of specific elements, rather than a consistent feel to an experience. However, that feel blew the flying sensation out of the park! The pacing on this is insane, like you're strapped to a jet pack running a death-defying aerial gauntlet through the chaos that is Rookburgh. Is there any moment on this coaster that isn't about the smash into an iron girder??? The near misses are great here, you're quickly bouncing off of buildings and rapidly diving under walkways and winding tight helices as the world turns under you on its heel. The rolling maneuvers and mild Vekoma airtime really add to it as well, this experience is so limitless it's inspiring. For sixty-ish seconds, not even gravity matters aboard this coaster.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: From under an ironwork gantry holding a launch track, a coaster train carrying riders face down climbs red track out from a trench.

Back in the lockers, we did the whole TSA recombobulation thing and retrieved our things. But when I went to put dad's wristband on, it vanished. I stretched it over my hand to get it on my wrist, but I felt something pop and it just exited my two fingers' grip on it. I'd lost dad's wristband! Panic set in as I got on my hands and knees with my phone flashlight, but I could not find it. Did it snap off and launch itself out of my hand? I barely even saw what happened, let alone where it went. When I explained to park employees what I'd lost, they all got on their hands and knees and looked for it, but we couldn't find it, sadly. "Dude, I'm so sorry," Youri told me.

"Your dad wanted to stick around and ride it again," Drew told me. I took comfort in this, knowing how my dad's taste in coasters was, the licensed pilot would have thought this thing was cool as hell.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A steampunk tri-wheel motorcycle with a canopy is parked at a low zone fence under a red roller coaster.

We all grabbed another beer after this. Stella Artois for me, which was my dad's go to.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A brick wall has a sign reading "TOILETTE" with a Victorian motif, with a man and woman's faces wearing goggles on their top hats, a baby wearing goggles, and a person in a wheelchair with wheels made of gears.

Drew told me to check out the bathrooms, which I did, and they're cool, not gonna lie, you even flush with an old school pull chain. But when I saw this, maybe this is time to address the elephant in the room: the park's lack of accessibility. While it's technically accessible, everything can be reached on wheels without the use of stairs, the layouts are convoluted and there are even signs displaying alternate, accessible ways to get to various rides and how far away they are. When you're this crammed, and have to pack things on top of each other, sometimes you have to do some crazy things with your footpaths, but I noticed even some of the stairs lacked yellow strips on the steps. But despite the clear and possibly unavoidable shortcomings, the park has a positive attitude towards accessibility. They even think people in wheelchairs are badasses driving cool mechanical vehicles, apparently!

 

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: An ornate steampunk city with an airship and hot air balloon has two curves of red inverted coaster track crisscrossing a facade.

I was on the fence about just hopping back on F.L.Y. after the experience moved me so much, but weighing it, Youri told me Winjas was an experience worth doing, so that's what we did and headed into Wuze Town under burning daylight.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A glass-roofed atrium has two lengths of turning coaster track before a tower of stone statues and wooden gears, with people riding in suspended buckets.

Apparently there's lore here? Not sure what's going on here, but Wuze Town doesn't feel like Phantasialand. No, this was Toverland energy right here. I legit couldn't tell what aesthetic this was supposed to be, is it like a TV show or something?

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Amid a mess of coaster track, there's a suspended basket hanging from a beam and some plants.

Winjas Fear, the only side we rode due to time constraints, features a cool bounce track and tilt track, which was interesting, but I was disappointed in the spinning. I played balancer and loaded it hella off balance, and on any other ride system, we'd have been ripping round and round, but this we barely worked up any spin. I think it's an issue with the ride system not having much radius between the four CGs that weight the car and the axis of rotation, but I applaud Phantasialand for creating a beautiful, themed experience, even one I didn't understand.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A Germanic-built square features a chairswing, several buildings, and a green Victorian Park Info booth.

I see the hype for Phantasialand! Slammed day meant we didn't get to experience 100% of the place, but I'm happy with what we did get to do, especially when two coasters are now in your top ten. F.L.Y landed at #7 for be between Helix and Railblazer, with Taron trailing after that, barely one-upping Velocicoaster and knocking it off the top ten combined list. This park might not have much land area, but I feel like that became its secret advantage. They couldn't sprawl wide like Energylandia, so they built tall, and created something truly special.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A train bistro car table holds a bottle and chalice of beer, and a plate containing a bowl of sliced bratwurst in red sauce and fries with a dinner roll.

Youri dropped us off at Cologne Central's kiss and ride, where we caught our train back to Frankfurt, where we planned to stop for the night near the train station and catch a second, smaller train to Bacharach for culture the next morning. wouldn't be complete without a currywurst and a beer!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A dirty city street with a building glowing with pink windows and hearts.

"This hotel is only $54 a night and it's just a block from Frankfurt station!" are famous last words here in Germany, and I feel like this is one of those "rite of passage" travel mistakes. Stepping out of the train station, the first thing I see are aid workers distributing food to these poor unhoused people! Garbage everywhere, the thing I felt crunch under my sneaker was a crackpipe, and some guy's girlfriend was running away from someone screaming. It was the longest block I'd walked in my life, avoiding eye contact with anyone. And across from our hotel were two seedy brothels, not like the safe "panic buttons and women cops" brothels of Amsterdam, but sketchy, nasty ones. Didn't know what went on behind those doors, and not sure I want to! We sealed our door via every locking mechanism it had, promised not to leave this room until the next day, and changed our hotel from here to elsewhere on the last night of the trip.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A traditional timber-framed German home with green windows and a crest reading "BACHARACH" stands at the base of a hill planted with winery grapevines.

UP NEXT: Roll out the wine barrel! Tomorrow, we beat the German train system to the fairytale winery town of Bacharach Am Rhein! Timber-framed architecture, schnitzel, and all the Riesling you can drink are to be discovered in the countryside, where traditional German culture vibrantly explodes away from the industrial urban rat race of Cologne and Frankfurt.