Date:10/31/2020-11/8/2020
Destination: Orlando, Florida
Goal: Orlando Parks, Cape Canaveral
Distance: 961 Miles
Means of Travel: Flight
Potential Credits: 24
It's the highlight of my season every year. I've been doing it since 2014, I will continue doing it so long as I've got a drop of adventure left in me, and it's done so much for me as a person. The annual region trip I take, a large-scale roller coaster trip to another part of the country with emphasis on adding to my coaster count as well as my rankings, with a stop or two to smell the roses of course. It's taken me from the mountains of Pennsylvania to the prairies of Texas, from New York to Los Angeles, and several places in between. I knew where I wanted 2020's region trip to be well before it went on to become the global epicenter of a deadly pandemic: Florida. Both due to vacation time required from work and not wanting to be putting the herculean effort into protecting myself from extreme heat like I had to in Texas, I had always planned this trip to take place in November immediately after Halloween so as to avoid both crowds and heat. Last year, both Busch Gardens 2020 coasters joined Hagrid's Magical Creatures Motorbike Adventure in my crosshairs with my beloved Cheetah Hunt, beefing up an itinerary stacked to the teeth with insane thrill machines of all sorts.
Then COVID-19 happened.
Then COVID-19 happened.
COVID ruined everything. Seriously. Like stuff you wouldn't consider remotely connected to a global pandemic was altered to the drumbeat of people yelling "coronavirus!" Taco Bell took your favorite thing off the menu? COVID. Your milk went sour and you took a big gulp of it before you realized? COVID. Your Uncle Earl took a dump and didn't flush it? COVID. The coronavirus pandemic altered so many aspects of life, and this trip was not immune. Rides I was super excited for, such as Wave Breaker, Jurassic World Velocicoaster, and worst of all, Iron Gwazi, were now unattainable because of the pandemic. But after a summer of almost no coasters to keep my risk of spreading the virus low, I wasn't about to back out of the one thing I always manage to do no matter what, so the trip was altered. And I mean ALTERED.
My buddy Ben and I would be running this season of The Amazing Race together for the third region trip in a row, a major advantage considering Florida is his home turf and he worked at a few of the parks and had connections all over the Orlando area. While it's normally a "two buddies traveling somewhere unfamiliar together" deal with us, this trip it was more a "crash with a local and get shown around by someone that knows the area" trip, which is the better way to do it in my opinion. With his employee discounts and ticket hookups out the wazoo, however, stuff would change on a dime with COVID as Orlando parks blocked and unblocked their employees out of certain dates. But after much shuffling around, we came up with a solid plan that could hold through the trip: three Disney parks, both Universal dry parks, both Fun Spots, Seaworld, and Kennedy Space Center for a culture day.
Day 0
The night before I took to the sky, I spent the night at my parents' and we got Olive Garden takeout and watched Borat...man! That movie is crazy! After a few drinks, I was ready to hit the hay, needing to be up bright and early the next day.
At the big hairy asscrack of dawn, I was up and ready to roll! Parents gave me a lift to DAY, conveniently located right across the street from where I live, and I gulped down breakfast and checked my bag! After over a year of waiting, this trip was finally happening!
Have I mentioned I hate CRJs? Those little jet planes that seat four abreast with line no room? Yeah my claustrophobic ass no likey. At all.
Good news? Flight wasn't bad at all. I booked it through my connection in Charlotte and ended up in Orlando earlier than expected! This was awesome! My "oh shit" moment for this trip, the moment I realized that I had actually made it this far from home and that it had gone from a planned idea to reality, was arriving at MCO. You're surrounded by palm trees, it's hot and sunny, APM is going in the distance, this wasn't Flight Simulator this was real!
Ben was awesome and picked me up shortly after I got my stuff and walked past the oodles and oodles of park ads...and then we went right to a park! Kind of. He drove me around a bit just to show me the area, drove through Universal Orlando Resort, cruised down I-drive, and stopped in a Panera parking lot near SeaWorld to get some shots of Mako in action! Wouldn't be riding it til Friday but man did it make me excited!
After this we went to Ben's apartment and I got to meet his roommates and their friends. We played a fucking hilarious game of Survive The Internet and then all went off to Gator's Dockside for dinner.
You can't come to Florida and not have a nice big plate of fried gator, so that's exactly what I did! Not my first time enjoying alligator but it was nice to be able to do it, considering we don't have it back in Ohio as readily. Also enjoyed a spot of Hopsecutioner with it.
Dinner aside, Ben, his roommate, and I all went to Walmart to get an airbed for me to sleep on throughout the week, and also ended up hitting the adjacent Walmart liquor store (it has to be a separate door from the main Walmart, a law we don't have back at home) and when we got back we all played Red Flags and had a hell of a time.
Night guys! Got a big day at Animal Kingdom tomorrow!
Day 1
I got up way earlier than I would have liked, and by that I mean 2 am hungover as shit. I went back to sleep until later that morning when it was actually time to leave, when Ben and I got up, loaded the car up, and went to the first park of the trip: Disney's Animal Kingdom!
Avatar, the blue people Avatar, not the amazing work of animation Avatar, nor the god awful live action film Avatar, was about landing on a strange, hostile planet where everything tries to kill you. They're in search of something pretty cut and dry, but over time discover beauty in something far more complex all around them. I didn't even know this at the time, but this would go on to be the perfect metaphor for this trip, so it's super fitting we did Pandora first thing.
Our first ride of the trip might not have been the most exciting, but my god was it incredible: Na'vi River Journey. The queue line pretty by the books, you're under a shade structure with the lamps made of Pandoran seeds and leaves and the like overhead, there's a small ritual setup off in the corner but that's about it for storytelling. For a Disney attraction, it doesn't look like anything special as you wait for it. You enter a cave, round a corner, and you're loaded into a small wicker boat. But when you're on the ride...damn! This ride is beautiful! They've got everything, those little sky screw things, wood sprites, I watched the film before coming out here, something I did for several rides on this trip, and I recognized several things ripped straight from James Cameron's creation. But the main reason to ride this is that animatronic at the end. That huge Na'vi shaman at the end is real. You can't convince me it's not. She moves exactly like a real humanoid being and even though I'm now grown with a degree in engineering technology, that moment kind of hit me as proof that Disney magic can still exist even if you know the science behind it. When I first saw that thing, I didn't see a mechanical robot made of motors and silicon, my brain registered it as a living creature, despite having watched The Imagineering Story which explains how the field I chose to study created it. If that's not magic, I don't know what is.
Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger...
Alright, enough playing around, time for Florida to break out the heavy stuff! Okay, maybe not that heavy, you're staring at a screen while the seat you're on tilts around. But still, if that tricks your brain like it tricked mine, it's hella thrilling and absolutely incredible. The final boss of Pandora, Flight of Passage, sometimes regarded as Disney's best ride, had a line stretching all the way to Harambe. But Ben and I gritted our teeth and waited it out as we slowly made our way back into the World of Avatar.
Once you're actually in Flight of Passage's queue, it's impressive. You climb up to this cave lit by those super cool seed and leaf lights with several Ikran cave paintings around.
Then you go up through this forest scene and into this lab, presumably used by the avatar program. Lots of cool science tricks here, this pickled Na'vi dude was taking a bath, looked like a really cool animatronic but barely got to see it with how fast the line moved. From there we watched a preshow, got glasses, and were loaded into our link chamber. It was time to fly!
Goddamn this ride is awesome! Is it "just a simulator?" Yes. But that's like saying Steel Vengeance is "just a roller coaster." Flight of Passage does what it does better than anything else. You're sitting on your little link saddle, you're waiting to link, everything goes black, and the next thing you know that steel wall you were just staring at is this beautiful Pandoran panorama, you're sitting on a living, literally breathing thing, and then you take off. When I watch movies I largely pay attention to how visually appealing the film is, and that came into play experiencing this ride. You take possibly the most beautiful CGI work ever done, combine it with James Horner's beautiful score, you're experiencing all of this in 3D with the Disney magic getting worked from every angle to make this feel as realistic as possible, my brain fell for this illusion hook line and sinker. It really feels like you're flying and doing all these crazy aerial maneuvers. No water effects, but that was due to COVID.
Pandora is awesome! I, like many others, scratched my head as to why Disney would pull out all the stops for something like this based on one film with a sequel in limbo, but it works. Regardless of how the movie stands the test of time, the product they've created is incredible.
Food. That's important too and since I had not eaten all day and we planned a large dinner, that happened earlier than it normally does. But in my third shift days I would literally get off work at 7 and drink a beer with Spaghettios or old moldy Chinese food so I don't give a crap what I eat when. So 10:30 am said it was time to head to Satu'li Canteen for some chili garlic shrimp over ramen. This restaurant is beautiful and their food is to die for! I got my boba balls and slaw on the side and gradually mixed it in once I figured out how much I liked what. The boba balls, little gelatainous balls made from tapioca flavored with citrus, were new to me but really sold the idea that it was organic alien food, they like turn to a paste the second you poke them with a fork, it was absolutely something you'd see out of an Avatar movie. Love this place!
Ben said that Disney took inspiration from the Columbus Zoo back in my neck of the woods for this park, and I was not at all surprised. The theming here is really gorgeous and authentic, the use of actual ruins and props in animal enclosures, and the way it feels like it was built into a forest rather than replacing it are all major similarities it shares with one of America's best zoos.
Heading across the park, Ben and I went right for the other attainable thing I was missing from Disney's Animal Kingdom...
wtf its a rock
But not just any rock, it's a special, forbidden rock! And the most expensive coaster ever built at the time it opened, that too. Mighty Expedition Everest looms ominously over the park at a whopping twenty stories. This megastructure houses a really cool Vekoma coaster with a couple of switch tracks and some special effects, one that's been dangled in front of me since it popped up shortly after that childhood Disney vaycay.
Expedition Everest's queue was the inspiration behind Verbolten's per what Ben told me, and once you've walked through both it's super apparent. It's a tight, winding maze that occasionally cuts through these little cluttered office spaces for a tourism agency, exactly what Verbolten is but with Everest instead of the Black Forest. I loved the use of traditional Buddhist/Hindu art as inspiration for this Himalayan culture that worshipped the yeti, you see a lot of familiar-looking shrines and the like but instead of Buddha or Shiva it's a yeti in it, I could totally see this being real art from a real culture. Throw in the otherworldly Tibetan chanting and singing bowls they selected for a score and it nails the haunting and ominous vibe beautifully.
Oh yeah. And museum display cases as queue railings. That was fucking creative.
Ah, time for a nice, relaxing train tour of Mount Everest where surely nothing will go wrong...
What a machine! As of this moment when I first rode it, this was my favorite Disney coaster. There's some really cool stuff on this ride, from the terrifying cliffhanger switch track to the freaky pitch back backwards floater. However, it mixes uniqueness with what makes just a solid by-the-book coaster, blending a traditional quality product with just the right amount of gimmicky to create a very solid family-friendly ride that's still thrilling. It sells the experience of being on an out of control train through the mountains very well, and the minor rattle it's aged up only adds to the sensation.
Literally my only gripe with this ride, as many have noted over the years, is the anticlimactic yeti solution. This idea was bad enough, having a cutting-edge animatronic you'd only see for a split second before plunging into darkness, but to just throw a strobe on it and call it a day? You can barely make out some hairy thing, I couldn't tell if it was even a yeti or my Uncle Milton at Thanksgiving. Just throw a dark red light on it so we can see the damn thing, it should have never been that prone to breaking when it was initially designed but this isn't the way to fix an already WTF design choice.
Nitpicking aside, though, it's a really cool coaster and I honestly did enjoy it. First coaster of the trip and I was so glad it was this Disney Imagineering masterpiece. Animal Kingdom definitely needed a coaster and man did they deliver! Now add another! Black Panther vibranium mine launched indoor coaster anyone?
Oh yeah, what's this? Disney parks are mostly GoPro legal, so that meant I could wear mine on some of their rides! Enjoy my first impressions reaction to this awesome coaster!
Everest aside, we headed around the loop for Dinoland USA...
And this, right here, is where Animal Kingdom shits the bed. You've spent the day walking under mountains that fucking float, lively little African towns, mysterious Himalayan villages...and then you stumble upon this crime against humanity. WTF was Disney thinking putting something this gaudy in this beautiful beautiful park??? Dinoland is absolutely hideous! It's an original approach as a Route 66 attraction and I get that a theme park usually has several areas that feel different, in their defense. However, when you've got a product as cohesive as Animal Kingdom that goes the extra mile to make everything feel as authentic as possible, this sticks out like a sore thumb and not in a good way. It sort of feels like your family slaved over a hot stove to make this incredible holiday dinner but then realized you forgot dessert so Aunt Mildred smokes a cigarette on the way to Walmart and gets some of those cheap cardboard frosted sugar cookies. Are the sugar cookies good? I mean yeah. But does it work with an incredible made-from-scratch Thanksgiving dinner? No! I mean, it's not at all a badly done area. It looks exactly like it should. But it doesn't belong in this park. It feels like a major Creation Museum-esque "kids love dinosaurs" money grab they shoehorned in at the last minute, stretching the concept more and more to make it kind of work.
And the credit's SBNO for some reason, so I didn't even get that +2 out of it I could have.
Getting exhausted in the hot Florida sun, Ben and I sat down and took a breather with some cold ice water. We then got in line for Dinosaur, one of Ben's favorite rides, but it ended up going down, so we headed to Africa.
Kilimanjaro Safaris was a favorite of mine as a kid, coming back as an adult I think this ride changed the most as for how I experienced it. I got some awesome photos, but I was sad there was no more poacher scene despite the fact that it's alluded to in line. Now it's all about the animals that live here, and man was it hard to photograph them with the van jostling you all over the place!
Cheetahs! This would make a cool theme for a coaster why hasn't a park done it yet?
The animals were out, not the easiest to photograph aboard such a rocky road, but they were out and we got to see some cool stuff.
This thing was under construction while we were back there, our safari guide told us it was for a future exhibit.
Rafiki's Planet Watch was next, which was kind of a random hodgepodge of a walkthrough with signs about conserving the environment, a petting zoo, and The Animation Experience.
The Animation Experience was the coolest thing back here. You sit down with a pencil and paper and a Disney animator walks you through drawing one of their animal characters. This session we watched a short video on a baby elephant that was recently born at the park as inspiration to draw Dumbo. Now, my artistic abilities are pretty much limited to more left-brained hand drafting, but I thought that would help me at least somewhat. I sometimes paint with my parents but I'm not exactly a Van Gough. My Dumbo was actually going okay until I fucked up the tip of his trunk and had to sort of pull something out my ass to correct it...and then Dumbo got into that Chinese foot binding practice and his rear feet turned out way smaller than I wanted. This is hard! Definitely a fun experience and you get a cool keepsake out of it, but it's definitely not easy.
After a quick train ride back to the main park, Dinosaur's line had gone down so we went to ride it! I enjoyed this ride as a kid, maybe wished it was longer and a bit more thrilling, but I remember really liking it. However, this is definitely the dark horse attraction of this park. Despite being an e-ticket, nobody talks about it. It's just kind of packed behind all the ugly Dinoland stuff where you wouldn't expect to find a ride that's actually really good quality. I was thrilled to hear my buddy Bill Nye listing off dinosaur facts in line for this! And it only gets cooler as you travel back into the Dino Institute lab and get into your time rover. This queue nails that 90's sci-fi industrial vibe you see on rides like Flight of Fear, I didn't remember this ride being this cool!
We're about to go and Ben reminds me that this ride is on its original programming now. I didn't realize that this "original programming" was before I even rode it, and I was told it's way more intense than it was when I rode it when I was 8. I looked down at the little tiny seatbelt that was the only thing holding my fat ass in, and began to question what Ben had just gotten me into...
Jesus Fucking Christ this dark ride's got some bite to it! The actual showfloor is really dark, bordering on too dark to actually see the props, but the effects with the meteorites raining down was really cool. Then it kicks it into overdrive and things start to get chaotic. You get thrown very violently into that seatbelt, like this thing tosses you around like an RMC. So you're getting pitched every which way, you can't see shit, you have no way of knowing what your time rover is going to do next, this thing is more a thrill ride than a dark ride and that isn't a bad thing at all. We rode it twice and I was hooked all over again! It's a major shame this thing doesn't get the credit it deserves because it's honestly one of the best things at Animal Kingdom.
I want to say they should renovate it. Throw some new lifelike animatronics on it, use fiber optics for the meteor effects, Disney Imagineering has the technology to make this ten times better than it is as a dark ride, then they'd have a thrilling ride that's beautiful to look at. However, I feel this simply doesn't have the notoriety to justify dumping all that money into it to preserve the Dinosaur we all know and love. I could see Dinosaur being reskinned to something else, especially with Universal having the clearly superior dino stuff so nearby. I'd be seriously interested to see something else happen to Dinosaur, regardless of what it is, anything but just letting such a great ride collect dust at the back of the park.
With the Florida sun setting and a drizzle starting to drip down, Ben and I bidded farewell and headed for dinner!
However, the draw to this place is that it's Disney's family friendly version of a Dick's Last Resort. The wait staff will find a family-friendly way to make fun of and pick on you and it's hilarious. Here we have Ben enjoying the "large sweet tea" he ordered. Our meal literally ended with our server, who had said I was "pretty" because she couldn't outright call me stupid, curled up in fetal position on the floor screaming "I'M NOT A WEIRDO!!!!" It's the perfect way to end an exhausting day at a park when you're slap happy and everything is hilarious.
What a day! Animal Kingdom is a beautiful park that I was so glad to get back to after all this time, it was totally worth the wait! However, I do feel like we were able to comfortably complete everything with social distancing reducing capacity, no Fastpass, and on reduced hours. I can't see this place being enough to fill up an entire O-C day on full hours with the use of a Magicband being an option. We missed Kali and A Bug's Life, sure. But still, I feel like it needs one more big expansion, one more e-ticket to be worth a full day under normal operations. Maybe do Beastly Kingdom with Onward? Black Panther, either as a complete Africa renovation or just adding one attraction to Harambe, is another obvious choice. I also noticed the park was missing Mesoamerica as a major biodiversity hotspot to be represented. No Amazon rainforest, no jaguars, so much they could do with that. I'll be watching this park for sure, I'd love to see them get one more impressive addition like Avatar or Everest.
The End!
UP NEXT: Fresh off a Disney park, I give Universal a chance. That's one of the craziest gate crashes I've ever done, a hangry wait in Diagon Alley, the worst coaster on the trip, and more to cover in the next installment!
