SweDen 2024 Region Trip://Leg 6~ Hemma

                Date:7/13/2024-7/24/2024

Destination: Sweden, Denmark

Goal: Coasters and Culture in Sweden and Denmark

Distance: 4286  Miles

Means of Travel: Flight, Train, Ferry, Bus

Potential Credits: 34

Image Description: A black T-shirt says "DENMARK" several times on it behind a black outline of the country's borders, colored in with the red and white cross-shaped flag of the country. On the t-shirt sits a leather booklet reading "PASSPORT; United States of America" with an eagle-shaped insignia. Attached to the booklet is a green lanyard printed with yellow and black sunflowers.

CW: Ableism in the form of verbal abuse from United States Government officer.

These trip reports are supposed to be a fun, humorous, and at times inspiring and informative way to show off my travels. Normally it isn’t a heavy thing at all, but today, that is sadly not the case. On my return trip home from Copenhagen, I was on the receiving end of some of the most disgusting treatment I’ve ever seen from US Customs and Border Patrol, and this is coming from the guy that’s had his car searched twice returning from Canada. I wasn’t sure if I should tack this on at the end of the Tivoli entry, not share it at all, make it its own and let something so disgusting sit at the top of my blog or what. But in the end, I am electing to tell this part of the story as I feel it is important to share that these things do sadly happen to us travelers with invisible disabilities. It will not be published until I have another entry to sit at the front page, as this is not what "Jarrett Goes Traveling" should ever look like. For myself or anyone else with an invisible disability.

Dag 10

Is it the last day of the trip already? I’d say it came quickly, but I’d be lying. By now, this was my life. Waking up, getting nuclear coffee and smorgasbord for breakfast, and just walking to the next thing to do with no need for a car was the new normal in Jarrett’s World. And today, that thing to do was get to CPH and fly home where my family and my job are so I can return to the old normal.

Image Description: A white plate reading "CABINN.COM; ALL YOU NEED TO SLEEP" holds two square pieces of bread, one topped with butter and spread meat, the other cheese and saucisson. A small pickle its on the plate.

Last Danish breakfast before heading home!

Image Description: A vending machine has several spirals, selling different cans of beer and small wine bottles.

Didn’t get a beer with it because, ya know, 8 in the morning. But it amused me to see this in the vending machine.

Image Description: A Copenhagen city street flanked with blocky brick and white buildings.

Headed around the corner to catch the bus one last time to the airport when three nuns in full-blown Mother Theresa white and blue habits with the rosaries and everything just hopped aboard the bus, so that was kind of funny. They must not have known who I was or they’d have poured holy water on me on the spot and caused me to melt.

Image Description: A yellow construction fence has a red, white, and blue advertisement that says "FLYING SUPERKIDS" on a star-shaped logo, with children performing stunts. Below it says "NYT SHOW! KØBENHAVN 29/6-18/8."

Flying Superkids is an energetic Danish stunt show that obviously got its start when a screaming child on a train pushed an impatient American just a hair too far. After joking I was going to yeet a screaming child off that train two days ago, this was funny to see.

Image Description: A wide glass airport building, with a taxi out front. "Terminal 3" can be seen on the building in white letters.

Good morning, CPH! New airport credit for me, and it’s a nice one.

This airport has mastered the sunflower. People left and right were going above and beyond to help me, I got pulled through fast track security, someone found me in line and told me directions one on one so I could, ya know, hear what was being said, I loved it. Danmark had these sunflower lanyards at the parks, at Copenhagen Central, and obviously at the airport.

Image Description: Behind a glass case sits a few different kinds of open-faced sandwiches, all garnished ornately.

This smørrebrød looked so good, I regret not getting one last one.

Image Description: An American aircraft sits on the tarmac of an airport, connected to a jet bridge.

After getting my bag checked (got those tubes of Swedish squeeze cheese for mom and dad, that's a liquid and that's a no-go in Danmark), and getting through passport control which is weirdly placed in the middle of the airport shopping mall, I was in the terminal. I got one last baguette hot dog from 7-Eleven (which btw also sold strong ass Danish beer that was totally okay to drink in the terminal), I sit down at the American terminal for my flight to PHL. I found an empty seat near a column where I was able to plug my shit in to charge it.

Image Description: A circular cookie tin has a Danish flag and map of the country showing the different cities and icons of the nation. It sits with a boxed can of Norwegian Sea herring.

I also got this for my family, one set for my parents and one for my grandmother.

Image Description: A bathroom stall has graffitied onto it. "Why you gay? WHY NOT? U know u like it! WE DON'T CALL YOU GREAT DANES FOR NOTHIN."

This made for a good laugh on the last piss break I would take in Danmark.

At the seat was a very drunk American father with his sober wife and badly behaved kids, giving me a front row seat to a shitshow. After calming his daughter down, the man looked at me and asked, "you gotta deal with this shit at home?" His wife told him to chill, the kids calmed down, and I was very uncomfortable.

Image Description: On a screen, a documentary poster shows an abandoned amusement park and the words "CLOSED FOR STORM" against a cloudy sky.

I sit down on the plane, plug my phone up to charge it continuously for the eight hour journey to Philadelphia, and it doesn't start charging? The flight attendant tells us "By the way, there's an issue with the video, we are trying to fix it." I had picked something to watch and everything! Give me a break!

"Raw Dogging" is an idiotic travel trend on TikTok and shit where you sit there for the entire flight without doing anything. It kind of took off this summer, I'd seen it, I rolled my eyes at the prospect of intentionally sitting there bored. Well, American Airlines basically forced us to do this! Our flight had no working live entertainment, no wifi, nothing. My laptop can run for 2-3 hours without a battery change, and my phone could charge, but I was still very limited as to what I could do. A man on the plane said United comped him $200 for this same issue, and I paid for internet and live entertainment on a Transatlantic flight, so yeah. I was fucking pissed. I had one experience with American prior, and it was them servicing the 2020 region trip to Florida, and I remember nothing distinct about American from that. They got me where I was going. This flight was unacceptable. I couldn't check in because their app didn't work, no internet, no movies, nothing. When your airline was doing better during COVID, you've really fucked up.

Got out of my seat to get the bulle I had gotten at 7-Eleven, and told the guy next to me, "I'm eating a cinnamon roll, what else am I gonna do?"

Image Description: A traytable on an airplane contains a microwaved TV dinner lasagna, a bottle of water, a ciabatta bread, a Babybel cheese, a scone, and a salad.

At least the veggie lasagna I got was pretty good, I guess. Airline food sucks, but for what this was (and for how nasty the chicken alternative looked), I was okay with this.

Image Description: A text screenshot describes what happened in multiple messages.

I was not okay with what happened next.

After landing at PHL, we entered into the airport's passport control back to the US, and I could hear people from my flight talk about how weird it felt to be back in air conditioning. The line was about an hour and a half, that's normal, and I get to the front, and that's when everything happened.

At the front of the line, line split into multiple counters. Let's say I'm in line to speak to the officer at Counter 2. Meanwhile, Counter 1 next to it opens up. I see this, I acknowledge it, but I am in line for Counter 2 so I watch Counter 2. It's loud, I'm tired, and this makes it harder for me to focus with my ADHD, but I put in the effort to ensure I could go through 2 when I am called, despite the couple in front of me taking a while. Then, I'm told by the person behind me that Counter 1 can take me, so I head to Counter 1.

"Come on man, I called your name four times! Pay attention!" shouted Officer Wise at Counter 1. I explained that I couldn't hear in a loud, crowded space, and that it was why I was wearing a sunflower lanyard. He took my passport, scanned it, didn't ask me anything, and said "you're good buddy" despite me certainly not being this man's buddy. I was not daydreaming, I was not playing on my phone, I was focusing on the counter I was in line for and couldn't hear that I was being asked to go to a different one.

By the time I got out of there, I was blinking back tears I felt so bad about myself. ADHD does, sadly, come with feeling like a burden that's in the way a lot, and I'd not felt that amount of venom directed towards it since I was an undiagnosed child being screamed at to focus in school. I was not doing anything wrong, if anything I was expending more energy than the neurotypical people around me so I could not be a burden, and at the end of the day I'm an idiot holding up the line deserving of no respect.

That is NEVER acceptable to speak to anybody in the manner in which Officer Wise spoke to me, but when the person has a disability that is clearly and properly indicated per the airport's Hidden Disabilities training, that brings it to a whole new level of awful. Airport staff of all kinds, be it TSA, gate agents, flight attendants, etc are trained to recognize sunflower lanyards, it was clearly displayed around my neck, no way he didn't see it or know what it was. Had I been hard of hearing and been spoken to that way, this would have been all over the news. Why should this be viewed as any less disgusting? I was shouted at for something I literally could not help because of a disability. One that was, at the moment, visible.

Immediately after, I found an info desk (usually where the lanyards are distributed at participating airports) and asked how to report the conduct of a United States Customs and Border Patrol officer. The guy there was absolutely appalled by what happened, gave me an email address to contact myself, and personally took down his own report and said it was helpful information that I was on the Copenhagen flight. I told him I didn't want the next lone traveler with a disability to have to deal with this. He said that someone sadly will, most likely, but to consider what kind of person even wants a job like border patrol in the first place.

So I got through TSA, they were actually cool and helpful, and to my annoyance, stepped out to a string of texts that my flight was badly delayed until 10, putting me home at roughly midnight. I was supposed to get home at 7, this day just goes from bad to worse!

Image Description: On a rectangular white plate sits a turkey burger topped with guacamole and red onions, served with fries and ketchup. A tall orangey-amber beer sits to the right.

In Terminal A, I called my mother just to tell her what happened, and needless to say she was disgusted and said nobody should be speaking to anybody like that. She told me to just move on and not worry about it and not give that asshole the power to ruin my day, I told her it's harder when your brain's ability to block out distracting emotions is impaired, and I was so touched just to hear her say, "I know." But then she suggested I go check out this bar she liked in Terminal A because they had a good turkey burger, so into Local Tavern I went. I plugged my computer in and wrote while waiting on a very expensive meal (this was $50 in the picture!) but damn was it good and much needed. I ordered the tallest, strongest beer they had. I needed it!

Image Description: Legs wearing blue pajamas with fishing flies on them and white sneakers at an airport gate.

With the flight now leaving at 10:30, I switched into my RMC hoodie and pajama bottoms to wait it out. Everyone in the gate on the Dayton flight was getting pretty agitated, knowing this was mechanical problems out of the flight's origin in Milwaukee that is therefore American's fault. Spoke to this woman who was on my Copenhagen flight and recognized me and learned she was headed to Columbus, wish we could have swapped contact info because she was cool. After telling a few people a funny family story involving a cancelled flight home, clean panties, and peach cobbler, the plane finally arrived. They instantly deplaned and boarded us, no cleaning the aircraft when you're this delayed and I found someone's nasty half-eaten trail mix in the seatback pocket in front of me.

Image Description: Jarrett wears a neck pillow and an RMC hoodie while leaning against the side of an airplane, looking tired.

Fortunately, they threw me in the very back corner of the plane to put my earbuds in, blast some white noise, and do what I have historically never been able to do: sleep on an airplane.

We landed at DAY, they were amazing about getting our luggage out quickly, and my mother was awesome and drove me home at 12:30 am. Mom had been cool and packed up some of the leftover Cajun chicken pasta her and Dad had for dinner, which I was excited to have the next day, but after she ran me around the block to my home I dropped everything at the door and went straight to bed. This included the cream-sauced pasta I had, causing it to go bad. I was so mad at myself the next day when I realized that's what I had done with it! It took a while to fall asleep, but ultimately, my brain turned off and I got to enjoy the comfort of sleeping in the air conditioning on a thick mattress for the first time in almost two weeks.

Image Description: On an urban hillside several blocky yellow houses with black roofs are perched. A black church tower can be seen to the right. At the top of the hill is a brick building ornamented with pretty brickwork and round towers with domed roofs.

This was, as of 2024, my magnum opus as an adventurer. I had been wanting to do this for the longest time, and it finally happened. Growing up French-American, France was supposed to be the European country to visit, and I did that, so I felt free to pick my next country myself, so it was liberating to not only travel to Europe but to pick a country completely on my own free will without any obligation. Between liking IKEA, having seen Helix announced in 2014 and Wildfire in 2016, enjoying the winter "cabin" aesthetic, Dad's work trip here in 2019, and having rocked out to Avicii since college, it was amazing to finally see Sverige with my own eyes. And getting to not only visit this country that always intrigued me for what I knew about it, but also getting to discover one I hadn't considered visiting in Danmark, I made memories I didn't even expect to. This meant so much to me, I haven't shut up about it since I got home, and I'm already obsessively pouring over Kayak and Rome2Rio for next year.

I refuse to let this be the last time this happens. Just as with the mindset that made me start the whole region trip tradition: let's do it again next summer.

Gonna end on this song as I wanted to wrap up an otherwise very ugly blog entry with something nice. This song made its way onto the playlist and ended up as the trip went on meaning a ton to me, kind of becoming the SweDen 2024 anthem if you will. Both in regards to being out there and coming home.

SweDen 2024 Region Trip://Leg 5.2~ A Fairytale of Two Rutschebanens

               Date:7/13/2024-7/24/2024

Destination: Sweden, Denmark

Goal: Coasters and Culture in Sweden and Denmark

Distance: 4286  Miles

Means of Travel: Flight, Train, Ferry, Bus

Potential Credits: 34

Dag 9

Image Description: At sunset, a white Islamic-styled building sits amid some trees and bushes, with glowing yellow and green lights highlighting its features.

Is it the last day of the trip already? I mean, it didn't feel short by any means, I had adjusted to my daily life being spent running around Scandinavia and riding shit, but I woke up today not able to believe I had even made it here. Nothing went wrong! And all I had to do was ride roller coasters for a day and make it to the airport and get home safely, and what an iconic place to take a victory lap. Today would be the only day on the trip two-parking it, focusing primarily on Tivoli but also popping out for Bakken and boost mode Tornado.

Per the advice of some old fart on social media, I moved the ibuprofen from my toiletry bag to my backpack today. Specifically for Tornado.

Image Description: On a black table, two plates and a few cups sit. A cup of coffee and glass of orange juice join two plates: one with a croissant, potato pancake, and ciabatta with meatballs, the other with cheese, meat, cornichon, and rye bread.

Breakfast at Cabinn was the same as it was on the boat back in Stockholm, for the most part. Some hot options, some of the Swedish squeeze cheese my family is addicted to, and ultimately more, but it was just an expanded form of the smorgasbord breakfast they do here in Europe.

Image Description: A tall silver brutalist-styled skyscraper with three Danish flags flying out front. In gold, it says "TIVOLI Hotel & Congress Center."

I was staying across from Tivoli Hotel, didn't go in and I regret it because they probably had a bomb ass restaurant here.

Image Description: A brick train station with ornate masonry. Two gables are flanked by three pointed square towers. A wing off to the right ends in a round tower with a pointed roof.

Tivoli didn’t open until 11 so I decided to kill time and just pop into Central and grab a snack despite just having eaten. 

Image Description: On a black table, a brown bag sits underneath a circular pastry with a dot of yellow custard in the center and a ring of icing around the laminated dough. A glass bottle of chocolate milk with a yellow cap has a red and yellow label with a white logo reading "Cocio Classic Chocolate Milk."

This is a wienerbrød, or a spandauer. Us Yanks know it as a Danish but the Danish people obviously don’t call it that. And lemme tell you, this thing rocks! Screw the depressing crunchy deflated hotel breakfast shit we have at home, this is actually fluffy and buttery with real laminated dough. It’s like a good French croissant but stuffed with custard! I drank a chocolate milk with it as well. Chocolate milk is a thing in Danmark, and while I support this, not gonna lie their obsession with the stuff is fucking weird. I saw it more than I saw white milk here.

 

Image Description: A narrow alleyway with a rocky faux rockwork wall on one side and a yellow and black timber-framed German-styled building another. A sign featuring a topless woman reads "SMUG SMUGKROEN BAR."

Okay, Tivoli is open! Boobies and all, for those who are into that! And what an adorable little park! Everything in here looks like something straight out of a children’s storybook, extremely fitting for a city that’s this proud of fairytale laureate Hans Christian Andersen.

Image Description: A red roller coaster sends a gold train through a twisting element, with a gold tower ride in the background. Green bamboo leaves are in the foreground left.

I had been told that ops for Dæmonen were piss poor with one six car train, so I elected to be opportunistic and do that first.

Image Description: A watery pond has four Chinese-styled boats floating in it, each with a single bamboo mast out the front. A tall red pagoda rises out the right from behind a willow tree. A red roller coaster does a roll and a loop out from behind the water.

It’s a pretty coaster, looks great where it sits, but the ride itself was honestly a letdown. I love how compact and twisty it is, but some of those maneuvers felt so tight that they couldn’t be executed properly, resulting in a fair amount of head banging. It was a nice pretty ride in the front diving in and out of the bamboo, but it’s a one and done on these ops. If this POS was torn down and replaced with an RMC Raptor, Denmark's quality of life would go from fifth best to third best in the world.

Image Description: The front of a roller coaster train resembles a camel wearing Middle Eastern clothing.

Kamalen, which is obviously running for President, whose name refers to the Danish for “Camel” and not Kamala Harris, is a Zierer Tivoli coaster, a ride system named for this very park where it debuted. Doesn’t do much, but it’s got a cute train and looks nice where it sits.

Image Description: A colorful swing ride sits amid trees with a golden tower ride off to the right.

This park is dangerous if you like to take pictures and have a tight schedule. I could have stayed here and shot all morning!

Image Description: An arbor into a garden has a blue space-themed sign reading "MÆLKEVEJEN" on the arched roof.

Keeping the credit run on the roll, Mælkevejen, meaning Milky Way Express, was next. Sadly it had a line, but there was a couple in front of me from New York, so it was nice to run into other Americans in the wild.

Image Description: A length of blue coaster track curves to the right, with trees, an old Scandinavian building, and a tall mirrored glass skyscraper in the background.

My photos of this ride didn't turn out much but it ain't bad! Standard Mack powered coaster, drives through a few elements, can feel a little inertia on the downhill, and blows through the circuit a couple of times. Shame I don't have much to show for it because it's a beautiful ride with pretty trains.

Image Description: Across some water with fountains, a red timber-framed building sits at the banks of the pond. Behind the trees, a green spire rises into the sky.

Half the appeal here is that you can't tell you're in a huge globally known city. Right in the middle of an iconic European capital and this could be just any old biergarten in the country. It's like the Disney bubble, but when you get to the top of the rides you can see the beautiful architecture that surrounds this already beautiful park.

Image Description: A wooden tabletop with a checkered blue and white tablecloth holds a black plate containing a breaded chicken cutlet topped with lemon, sliced fried potatoes, peas, and a dish of gravy. A massive beer sits at the back of the table.

As if multiple plates of breakfast bar and a spandauer weren't enough, I popped into Tivoli's Biergarten for some authentic European chicken schnitzel, something else that was on my culinary bucket list for this trip. It's not as crispy or bready as the stuff I know, maybe that's regional, but I did enjoy it. Place is pretty expensive but the food is good and got me full up for the next while, I also really liked the potatoes and gravy served with it.

Image Description: Against a faux rock wall covered in signs, a hand holds a massive mug of beer.

I was also amused they asked me if I wanted a half or full liter of beer.

Image Description: A large classical brick building consisting of two gabled atriums, with square pointed towers on the ends and between them. Each contains three arched windows.

Needless to say, I felt that beer. Not like "falling over, slurring, text a thoosie I'll fuck their mother if they contact me again, dragged out of Toyotathon the way god intended" feeling it, but solidly feeling it. And Rutschebanan had a line. I'd been warned that Bakken was shutting Tornado down later in the evening so I wanted to make sure I got there while it was still up and running, so I headed to the train station.

Image Description: A glass office inside a train station has a logo reading "DSB," which looks like a red hexagon with white letters.

A DSB employee directed me to the platform where I could catch the train to Klampenbourg. I'd been having issues with their app not taking my American number, but he laughed it off and said "it's not because of you, it's because of Trump. We hate him." I was about to get a reminder again as to why this transportation company's logo resembles a stop sign!

Image Description: A red train car on a station platform has a few white bicycle decals on its windows.

Danish trains sometimes have these special rail cars that have no seats and exist just to put your bike.

Image Description: A small suburban street with a blocky white house to the left, and two white cars in the road.

I sit on the train for a bit, but when I check Rome2Rio...we're not on the line it's highlighting. I asked a lady and she said I was going the wrong way, so I got off and caught the opposite train, killing about forty minutes of wasted time. Eventually, I arrive in Klampenbourg and make the half hour walk to Bakken.

Image Description: Amid trees, a semicircular white and blue sign says "Bakken" in red letters. A man in a large white hat, white face paint, and exaggerated lips and eyebrows waves ominously.

Honestly? This park didn't appeal to me much. Tornado seemed cool and boost mode was enough to get me out here, but aside from that, I wasn't super excited for anything. I had heard it was very Danish and Mine Train Ulven was good, however.

And this clown is just creepy. I get it's a Danish cultural thing, Tivoli has them too, but there it's cute and cartoony. This is just slapping some Peeping Tom-looking motherfucker on your bathroom and acting like it's normal. And he's their mascot so it's impossible to get away from. I mean, look at that thing!

Image Description: A ticket window has a green and white sticker advertising Hidden Disabilities. It reads "HIDDEN disabilities; Vi støtter op om Solsikkeprogrammet; Bakken."

Bakken has sunflowers! The Hidden Disabilities Sunflower program, same one I used at JFK, had a presence at Fårup, Tivoli, and København Central as well, but Bakken actually advertised it. I'd needed to go to guest services anyway because I was never sent the email containing my ticket and ride pass QR Code, and snagged a sunflower there.

Then, in true ADHD fashion, I lost it. It could be anywhere between inside my bag right now and in Denmark, I don't know where it is and it's the only item I lost on the trip. And an ironic one to lose considering its purpose!

Image Description: A wrist has two temporary wristbands on it. One paper one with clouds and a Tivoli logo has a golden square containing a white hot air balloon insignia with Wi-Fi waves coming out of it, the other is made of a more textile ribbon and has a tag woven to it with the pink and yellow Instagram insignia and says "#MitBakken."

Double parking it today! I had a Tornado ride op jokingly sneer when he saw my Tivoli wristband and the Bakken one.

Image Description: A red and white building has pieces of orange roller coaster track weaving in and out of holes cut in the walls. A red and yellow car has four riders, two on each side facing each other, mounted on a spinning turntable.

With the Tornado situation, that was my first stop today. Single rider line was a blessing and basically let me walk on (there wasn't much of a line), but my heart sank when I looked at the attendant and asked, "boost mode?" and he shook his head and said "it's broken." But hey! First and only Intamin spinner, we've got a Tornado warning!

As far as Jarrett's World goes, Boost Mode is like the surströmming of roller coasters. I've not experienced it and I'm not sure I want to, but I'm a glutton for punishment that's morbidly curious. This coaster is aggressive as FUCK, some in the good way, some not. The lift hill feels more like a Maverick-esque launch, the drop karate chopped my collarbone good, and the rest of the ride just rattles you around tight curve after tight curve with absolutely no meaningful direction...and then finishes quicker than you want it to. It twists you different directions but doesn't work up a spin the way I was able to at Fårup, and doesn't have the work of art layout that Time Traveler has. I assume Boost Mode would up the velocity and make it spin more, which I'm all game for, but with how rough it was at normal speed I'm not sure I want to give it more juice. Boost Mode might be fun if it didn't annihilate you with just barely enough of an apology for it.

Image Description: A wooden roller coaster stands behind a sign reading "RUTSCHEBANAN" in red, white, green, and orange letters of lightbulbs.

Going from too wild to too mild, the infamous naked lady coaster was spreading her legs for me next. Rutschebanan, aka Russian Railway, aka the Danish term that refers to a roller coaster, began life almost identically to the one at Tivoli. Wooden coaster with simple turns, drops, and a brakeman controlling the speed deciding how mild or wild this ride is. Unlike the one across the street from Copenhagen Central, however, this one now runs modern trains from the industry legends at Kumbak, and every single drop is now trimmed to a near stop.

Image Description: A wooden roller coaster goes over a hill.

I'm not going to fucking say it because you know what I'm going to say. It's a piece of shit. No airtime on this pansy ass excuse for a roller coaster, maybe it had it at some point, if the preservation terrorists at Historic Coaster Foundation wanted that preserved they should have done a better job shanking and bombing people over their agenda. Y'all had one job and Matt Glumac couldn't even make that happen. And the result? A boring ass piece of shit wooden coaster that does absolutely nothing. And considering I'm not even into naked women, it does even less for me. #RMCit, seriously. Don't have an unhinged social media fit they'll ruin the ride when the ride was already plenty ruined with their "fix." We have one of these, one park preserved what it had successfully, the other ruined it, RMC could do wonders for this ride!

Image Description: A station with high ceilings loads mouse-themed coaster cars on the ground level. On the top level, an elbow of red track bends with a coaster car on it.

Knocked out their Wild Mouse next, which was fairly standard despite a cool station that had track going over it. It was kind of fun? Pretty generic Wild Mouse, especially after having been treated to the ones at Gröna Lund and Fårup. Hey, least it isn't Lagoon's!

Image Description: A black and white photo of a tin roof with a length of coaster track going over it and a sign reading "MINE TRAIN ULVEN" with a cartoon wolf head. Trees loom in the background.

Went onto Mine Train Ulven, aka Wolf Mine Train, and this thing lowkey rocks. It's a bit rough around the edges, but it adds to the experience in the way the roughness adds to Adventure Express. You can't put your hands up without smacking a tree branch or a Scandinavian Wood Wasp nest or the panties of that nudist lady on Rutschebanen that somehow got into the tree. Good theming, good rockwork, good diving through the trees, barely a restraint, I might have appreciated it even more had I not been spoiled with Lisebergbanan three days ago.

Image Description: A racing-themed bumper cars facility with karts racing in an oval around a median.

The video I watched said to do the racing bumper cars, so I did, and honestly, it was lame. Cool electrical pickup system drawing from the floor instead of the ceiling, but they don't go fast enough for this to be thrilling.

Their kiddie coaster, basically the same as Gröna Lund's or Tivoli's, was next, one I considered just skipping, but it had a small wait so I said fuck it and got the credit. The Danish flags on the trains were cute, though. 

Image Description: A building has a sign that says "TORNADO" in funky font, with a length of orange roller coaster track doing a tight turn out one of the windows. A yellow spinning car can be seen on the track.

Snagged another spin on Tornado before going to take pictures, and this time it was smoother than the first but didn't spin as much. Still a very enjoyable coaster, still probably my favorite thing there at the end of the day, but still no boost mode.

The plan was to do a credit lap, photo lap and ride anything else I wanted to, and leave. I went to this sky roller thing, not sure if it's actual Gerstlauer or some cheap Chinese knockoff. Each seat was painted in the different style and flew the flag of a different country which was cute, however. I was given Danmark, right behind Sverige in front of me the whole ride, so that made me happy. The ride, like Liseberg's didn't flip much, however. So that was a disappointment.

Image Description: A park section themed as a Danish town street, with several buildings and a black bicycle off to the left, has been badly rained on.

Are you fucking kidding me!? Soon as I get to my photo lap it ruins every shot I take! It started raining, water on my lens, you saw what happened at Kolmården, it happened again. Total bullshit.

Image Description: A wooden roller coaster goes over a hill.

The only reason I went here is, honestly, because social media whined at me to come. And I'd rather be at Bakken than at my job, yes. But if I had known this is how the day would go, I would have spent more time exploring Copenhagen. Town Hall Square, finding a helmet to bike around the city, canal tour, that twisty church spire, I guarantee I could find at least ten better things to do in Copenhagen than this pub crawl with a side hustle in amusement rides. Sure it's nice to be able to just hop across the street and catch the train to five more credits, but personally, I'd rather spend time doing culture than some crappy park like this. Maybe I'm just elderly, 30 is elderly in thoosie years to some, but if you're really short on time, don't waste time on this place.

Image Description: A framed photo depicts unflattering Joe Biden and Donald Trump impersonators in front of an American Presidential Seal.

This hilarious shit was unironically the best thing about Bakken, especially considering what was happening back at home while I was out here.

Frustrated with five mediocre-ish credits, a wet shoe and sock, and some shit photos to show for it, I stormed out of this fucking shithole back to the train station, and caught a train back to København and their good, pretty park with an actual ambiance. My shoe got wet, I'm sitting alone in a train care spinning a sock around trying to air it out, I absolutely looked like a crazy person but that's okay because I am.

Image Description: A colorful blue, white, and green peacock walks in a planter of green grass and pink flowers.

My lovely welcome back to Tivoli was seeing this shitty American kid think it would be fun to chase this poor peacock and kick rocks at it to make it fan its feathers out. 

Image Description: An Alp-themed roller coaster station resembling a railway station. On wooden track sits a green toboggan-themed train with the number 4 on it.

Hej, Tivoli! Back for the last credit of the trip, which is (if I'm correct) the first built of anything I rode out here. Rutschebanen, at least the one at Tivoli, is a product of industry legend LaMarcus Thompson. Sporting an Alp theme, this old coaster from the early 20th century is kind of the wooden coaster that isn’t regarded as a legend but should be. It’s been going strong since Americans were rocking out to jazz music in Speakeasies, bombed by the Nazis in WWII, and the fact that it looks pristine and not falling apart is impressive. The park has kept it basically the same if I understand, it still has its brakeman and everything unlike Bakken's. I love the history, many trip reports I've published should indicate this. However, I've had more than a few back and forths with some select dirty old ECC members on social media who claim that this is the best roller coaster in the world and that in 100 years we have not built a better coaster. Told I need to grow up to appreciate this, called an idiot for being skeptical it was that great, and that alone was enough to put a bad taste in my mouth for this specific club and this coaster's geriatric following. But I had said I'd give it a whirl if I was ever in the area and here I am.

Image Description: A faux mountain is strung with the wooden catwalks of a roller coaster. Several buildings of Alpine architecture and a railway crossing are built into it.

It wasn't terrible? I honestly liked it in some capacity, the theming is cute and the dark tunnels and rocking made it fun. But it lacked that extra "bite" that the best coaster in the world should have. I maybe got some floater over these hills, but nothing beyond that. But I was dead set on coming back and riding it more than once. If anything, I appreciated the whole "coaster anarchy" vibe it had, the brakeman just reached over and flipped a light switch in the tunnel while the ride was in motion. No rules to protect you from your own stupidity here, do what you want just do it safely and don't cry when it doesn't go your way!

Image Description: An ornate blue and white building says "DEN FLYVENDE KUFFERT" in gold letters.

I had been made aware of this Hans Christian Andersen dark ride, so that was my next order of business.

Image Description: A rotating dark ride station has several trunk-shaped vehicles going around a colorful mural of books and fairytale characters.

This is beautiful! You get in a vehicle themed to the flying chest from one of the fairytales and it takes you through several scenes depicting Hans Christian Andersen's various whimsical fantasy stories, all presented in the same tin toy style that can be found all over Tivoli. Little Mermaid, Princess and the Pea, Thumbelina, and some lesser known children's stories are featured on Den Flyvende Kuffert, including The Flying Trunk for which the ride was named.

Image Description: On a table littered with charging cords, two ornate open-faced sandwiches sit on a piece of parchment paper. The one on the left has a white bread slice topped with shrimp salad, dill, a pink rose, and a yellow lemon. On the right is a slice of dark bread topped with potato salad, fish cakes, and shrimp with dill and lemon. A green can in the background says "TUBORG GRØN PILSNER."

Hungry, having done all the park had to offer, needing to use the restroom, and with a dead phone, I figured maybe I could head back to the hotel, charge my shit, and grab food from Tivoli's dining hall. Halernes Smørrebrød was the obvious choice, having been looking all over Danmark to have a flashier version of this dish than the appetizer at Liseberg. These were so good! One was prawn salad, the other was potato salad with fish cakes. These were pretty affordable (well, Copenhagen affordable), available right outside the park at their food court, and wouldn't have been complete without a good Danish beer.

As I sat down and kicked my shoes off to eat this, I hear from outside, BOOOMMM!!!! And then the sky opened and København got absolutely doused in rain. So here I am, now with my phone back online, enjoying some damn good smørrebrød and a beer in my cozy dry hotel room while all the poor bastard tourists on the streets got rained on in the nastiest storm I'd seen the whole trip.

Image Description: Into the sky rises a colorful blue and gold tower, with four rotating disks spinning from a gondola, two rings are seats and two rings are animal-shaped gondolas. In the foreground, a shorter red tower has a golden Middle Eastern dome at the top made of wire.

Eventually, the rain subsided, I finished my sandwiches, I put on dry socks, and headed back to Tivoli to just kind of stroll around, shoot, enjoy this beautiful park at night, and casually ride shit. Fata Morgana had caught my eye, both due to its short wait and the fact I had not ridden one before. So I hopped into the lion and went for a whirl. This thing is great! Gorgeous view, a little terrifying, there's a little box for your phone, and it looks like you're going to smash into the tower every lap. Not a bad-looking ride either.

Image Description: A white Islamic-styled building adorned in yellow, green, and red lights under a glowing orange sunset.

This building is iconic to Tivoli, and shooting it at sunset was fun as is. Can't wait to see it when the sun is down!

Image Description: A clock on the ceiling of a chamber has red hands, with Roman Numerals around the perimeter. Several ride pods sit loading around a glowing crankshaft.

Many of Tivoli's flats were generic but this thing, Tik Tak, caught my eye. I didn't ride it because the line was long but it sure as hell looked great!

Image Description: Jarrett stands in front of a length of wooden roller coaster track over a hill, with rockwork and a sort of carved temple next to the track as theming.

Night rides on Rutschebanen were one of the reasons I came back here for a third time, and the sun was setting, so that's what I did. Not quite a dark ride, but at sunset you still get some good visuals with this. But the ride itself still felt slow! What's the point of basically no lap bar when your ass is glued to the seat?

Image Description: At night, an ornate white pole holds a red light in a green frame and the red X of a railroad crossing. A ride platform can be seen in the background.

No line? And now it's good and dark? Fuck yeah I'm doing this again! This time, I ran straight to the back, sat down, and asked the brakeman for airtime.

Image Description: A wooden roller coaster built into a faux mountain, with two hills racing along cliffs adorned with string lights. The peak of a mountain can be seen against the blue night sky. In the foreground, track emerges from a tunnel under white lamps.

Danmark is one of the world's least religious countries, but at least here at Tivoli, ask and you shall receive. Oh my god, this is the most insane vintage roller coaster experience I've ever had! This brakeman definitely took care of me, coming down one of those drops I thought I was going to be dumped backwards out of the coaster and have my back snapped on the seatback. New number one classic coaster, and a ride I made it a point to make the final one on the trip.

Image Description: At sunset, a carousel in low yellow incandescent light sits to the left. To the right, a path stretches through a grove of trees under ornate colorful light arches.

We had read the children's book Number The Stars in the sixth grade. It's a historical fiction novel about Nazi-occupied Copenhagen written by Lois Lowry (if you know The Giver, same author) and came from the part of my childhood when I was beginning to develop my interest in history. I remember the first I'd ever heard of Tivoli was a part of this book where these two little girls were talking about going to Tivoli and riding the carousel, so seeing Tivoli's carousel here in person was definitely a nice little shock of adulthood.

Image Description: At night, a swing ride spins chairswings around a lighted hub on a tower. Fountains splash up in the air in the foreground, with an illuminated building behind.

This wave swinger is just a wave swinger and I didn't ride it, but I got so much appreciation out of it simply as a photographic subject.

Image Description: An Islamic-styled building with a large white onion dome and six minaret-like towers is lit up at night with colorful string lights. The reflections twinkle below in a pond, with bubbling tubes of water jutting from it.

Leaving Tivoli and leaving Bakken did not feel the same. One park I was kind of excited to finish cleaning out so I could get on with my day, the other I was kind of sad to have cleaned out because I wanted more. But on paper, these parks look pretty similar. Small lineups with slightly unusual coasters, cool flats, both are basically pub crawls with a side hustle in amusement rides with how much beer they move, and both have an older than dirt Rutschebanan scenic railway. What's different? And honestly, I almost couldn't tell you. But I think the reason Jarrett the RMC Man had such a special day at Tivoli was simply due to how the park approaches preservation. Unlike Bakken, which kind of just adds what it needs to, when it needs to, Tivoli has been replacing and modernizing a lot for such an old park. Many of those flat rides and coasters are actually relatively new, Rutschebanen is actually the only one to predate the new millennium! But by continuing to tear out what doesn't work, replace it, and do so with love, the park has turned into a timeless treasure stocked with new, well-engineered rides that still mirror the vintage amusement park aesthetic, and the resulting product is beautiful.

I would have rather spent more time exploring København than having gone to Bakken. However, in an ideal world, there would be more Tivoli to do so I could spend more time exploring the prettiest park I've ever had the privilege of visiting.

Image Description: Jarrett's hand holds a white water bottle with a gold cap. On the bottle are little icons depicting logos and drawings of Tivoli's rides and attractions. A gold "TIVOLI" logo sits at the center.

The park was closing up shop for the day, so I headed back to the hotel to pack all my cool stuff, including this Tivoli bottle I purchased that I love. My mom and dad called me and told me how proud they were of me and how happy they were to have me coming home, I couldn't wait to see my favorite people in the world tomorrow. Dad teased me that I was going to hate coming back to American beer and coffee after this week.

And yet, without question, I would take American beer and coffee if it meant getting to go home and share all this with the people I love.

Image Description: An arch at night is lighted with string lights, the word "TIVOLI" can be seen across the top.

Goodnight, Tivoli. Goodbye, København. And thank you, Scandinavia.

Image Description: An American Airlines plane on the tarmac.

UP NEXT: After ten days out of the country, my determination to get home is tested by the flight from hell. Technical problems, flight delays, American Airlines, and the most disgusting human being I've ever encountered traveling all stand between Danmark and Ohio for me. But it's gonna take a lot more than that to keep me from coming home!