Iron Curtain 2026 Region Trip://Leg 8~Kindergarteners and Cops

 Date:4/25/2026-5/6/2026

Destination: Poland, Germany

Goal: Energylandia, Phantasialand, Europa Park, Poland Culture, Germany Culture

Distance: 4700 Miles

Means of Travel: Flying, Train, Tour Bus

Potential Credits: 40

Day 10

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: The tail of a United airplane on the tarmac.

I never quite know how to approach coming home in a trip report. It is, after all, the most boring part usually. Sometimes you don’t even need to address it, sometimes you say “bomb” on an airplane by accident and it’s the funniest thing all trip, sometimes something horrible and uncomfortable happens that needs to be addressed. Today, I feel the return home is best left as a short, humorous epilogue with some funny bits.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A timber framed building next to a wooded creek.

Rust is beautiful! Shame there's nothing to do here besides Europa Park because it's actually a cute community.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Across a grassy field is a huge Scandinavian-styled hotel.

We woke up kind of late, wanting to sleep the day away as we could, and got up. I had the idea to maybe head to Rulantica for lunch, but with the public transport distance and budget, we elected for a cheaper Round 2 at the kebab place instead.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A plate holds a metal pan with kebab meat and red sauce with white sauce.

Iskender Kebab is great! It's kebab meat over fries with tomato sauce and cheese. Europe's kebab holes in the wall are kind of their equivalent of Waffle House, but with alcohol and unironically amazing Turkish food.

Our train went to Offenburg first, then from Offenburg to Frankfurt aboard Swiss national rail. Our ride to Offenburg went right along the Black Forest of Verbolten fame, a mountainous ridge heavily forested with pine trees and dotted with secluded little villages. Lovely, but no time to stop on the way home. It was ominously beautiful out the train, though, no wonder people write stories about this forest!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A large train restroom with a transfer bar next to the lavatory and a curved, sliding door.

Hate on DB and other German rail lines all you want, but their bathrooms are way better than the cramped Swedish ones. This is super accessible!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A group of men in maroon rail line uniforms congregate around a DB Information desk, while an older gentleman in a blazer and cap holds a large horse plushie.

We had a 3 hour layover in Offenburg, which is because the alternative was a 6 minute one. We chilled out, laptopped it up, grabbed a few snacks from the little convenience store, and watched this elderly German man handle the uber serious situation of a large horse plushie on the platform.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A large field with mountains in the background.

We were waiting for our train, painfully long layover almost over, when the three cops that had been around the station approached us on our platform. "You have been here a while?" they asked us as they ran our IDs. "You are traveling, why are you in Offenburg and not Berlin?" They grilled us for a bit, but Drew, who had been practicing his interactions with America's scary CBP took this as a practice lap, and handled it very well on both behalves to my surprise. He mentioned we had been in Cologne, the woman in their trio was actually from there, and when we mentioned we'd been doing coasters and went to Europa-Park yesterday, she told us, "I went to Florida in America and went to Disney, it was not good."

All was okay, but because they were checking if we were legally allowed to be there, they had to go on a bit of a cyber chase for our EES registration. We had to tell them we'd landed in Vienna for them to find it, that system is great in theory but a passport stamp would've prevented this.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A train car painted with whimsical cartoon fantasy drawings on the walls.

Swiss trains are so nice! I booked us a nice open booth on the app, but upon sitting down, we were told "this is for families, you may be asked to move." Now, I despise children when I travel, I have better things to do than sit there for hours listening to your demons make exorcist noises, but few kids meant this was quiet. And honestly, maybe it's the design of this car. Look at the adorable decorations! There was a little board game built into our table, the whole thing was engineered to shut children up. Planes need this!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A subway car in red with German writing on the side.

Upon arriving in Frankfurt, I had changed our hotel to one closer to the airport, not wanting to stay where we stayed last time we stopped for the night. Even the train station was sad and depressing, we were asked for money multiple times by Frankfurt's unhoused population. Put these people somewhere safe and in jobs, Germany!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A cardboard food container of fried chicken chunks tossed in sauce with sesame seeds.

We got to our little hotel and checked in, it’s kind of in a quiet, blocky, dystopian part of Frankfurt but at least there weren’t any drug deals outside like the last one. Got Korean chicken wings delivered,  by a grouchy delivery driver whose phone couldn’t reach my international number and that’s somehow obviously my fault.

Day 11

We woke up for the long walk of shame home, I showered, and we took an uber to FRA. 

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A hand holds a small stuffed panda bear at an airport gate.

We gave ourselves a ton of time after hearing horror stories about the EES line, so I was pretty surprised when we waited less than ten minutes to get through. Again, however, we had to tell them we arrived in Vienna for them to find any record of our admittance to the Schengen Area. But they found it, and Noodles and I were going home!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A hand holds a bun containing two sausages topped with mustard and dried onions in front of an airport tarmac full of Lufthansa planes.

With a ton of time to kill behind the gate, I partook in a Frankfurter sausage in Frankfurt. This German snack, which inspired the American hot dog, consists of two connected links of thin sausage in a bun. Wouldn’t have been complete without a little mustard, onions, and an airport beer.

Behind us, a family was walking through the terminal while their annoying kid loudly asked for a toy in the gift shop. Hearing them walk past our gate and away was music to my ears.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A line of people before the stairs to a 777 wait to board on the tarmac.

We took our bus to the gate for the United plane that would take us to our connection at Dulles, and boarded this slightly dated 777 where we’d spend the next nine hours in the friendly skies.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett smiles and flashes a peace sign while sitting in a plane seat.

I sit down in my seat…and of course the annoying family with loud, feral children sits down right behind me! Fortunately, this flight was emptier than my soul, and I’d booked Drew and I each an aisle seat so nobody had to fly bitch. Both our rows being empty meant I could just slide into his row to avoid the little bastard kicking my seat.

That “demonic kid on a flight to Germany” video that made the rounds in line 2014? That was my reality for the next nine hours.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A tray of airline food holds a lasagna TV dinner, truffles, a roll, and a box of salad.

Yay, time for another crappy airline food mukbang! Lasagna with a nasty lettuce salad, bread, and these surprisingly good truffles was our in-flight menu.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A screen shows a pixelated, mangled display with the title "Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King."

While I’d been able to move into Drew’s row, and the back of my seat couldn’t be kicked anymore, we still had to head him loudly babble about garbage and listen to Cocomelon without headphones the whole flight. And while this is a normal part of flying so I’m not mad about it so much as I am the circumstances, Drew had to slide into the middle seat next to my aisle seat because the screen on his window seat was having an ayahuasca trip.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Two side by side screens show info for flights to Dayton, OH and Ithaca, NY.

After nine hours of loud complaining, we landed at IAD. I went through a quick Global Entry line, got our bags, and waited. Drew doesn't do the best job of remembering place names or keeping his mouth shut, and both are kind of needed skills to talk to CBP, so we'd been roleplaying to coach him. During meals and the like I'd just put him on the spot with "where ya coming from? Where ya going?" the like. And he handled it like a pro! I watched him triumphantly walk away from the gentleman who scanned his passport.

Seeing my flight home right next to a flight to Keely's neck of the woods was a punch to the gut...but then the Ithaca flight got canceled. Not my time to go to New York. No, not yet.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A plate of peppers, onions, and shrimp tossed in a spicy kung pao sauce.

So we flew home on the crappy ERJ 145 that services that awful IAD-DAY flight, short worn seatbelts and unnecessary step and everything. I read some more Murder Land and tried to stay awake. My mom was out of town, so when we landed, Drew's parents got both of us. "Let's get some Chinese," his father declared as we made one last bleary-eyed food stop at Shen's. Then I went home and passed out.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A fence has several colorful locks locked to it, with a large bridge in the background.

This adventure was absolutely incredible for a number of reasons. Visiting other parts of the world with which one isn't familiar can be a stressful experience for some, but when you crave novel experiences, to me it's relaxing. This gave me the chance to see not one but two incredible countries with unique cultures, fascinating histories, and killer theme parks. Special shoutout to Drew for tagging along, rising to the occasion, learning to walk the walk, and bullying me into spending more time in Germany over a drunk New Years feast.

Think I'ma go to Munich on my honeymoon.